Addiction

Addiction runs deep within my family unit.  Alcohol, gambling, drugs, cigarettes all affect almost every member of my family.  Why should I be any different?  My drug of choice is food.  It wasn't until pretty recently that food became such a focal point in my life.   Food gets me excited.  Gives me comfort.  And fills an empty void.  I'm not really an emotional eater, per se, but I can see that I have tendencies to do so.  I tend to eat out of boredom and loneliness. 

People may not necessarily look at me and think that I have a food addiction, but it is real.  Food consumes almost every waking thought I have and even follows me into my dreams.  Getting out of bed in the morning is generally motivated by eating a bowl of cereal.  If it weren't for food, some days I would stay in bed until God knows when. 

I go through the day planning when I can eat next and what I will eat.  I sneak food at work, and just so nobody sees me eat it, I will take a bathroom break to shove it in my mouth as quickly as possible, not even tasting what it is I just ate.  Sometimes I will eat my healthy looking dinner in front of coworkers only to eat unhealthy behind their backs.  Its shameful and guilt inducing.   Before going out to a restaurant for lunch or dinner, I will eat enough to take the hunger out of my stomach.  Then eat a large meal only to come home and binge on whatever I have in the house.  Living just blocks from a Dairy Queen is not very helpful either as it is a quick and easy fix. 

So yes, my food addiction is real.  My binges are real.  On only one occasion did I purge.  It has actually been a while since I had a full fledged binge.  I just need to now recognize hunger, learn to embrace hunger, and satisfy hunger in a reasonable manner. 

The difference between a drug/alcohol addiction and a food addiction is that a person can theoretically stop "cold turkey".  Or rather, if they decided to beat their addiction, they would never have their drug or alcohol again.  With food, we need food to live so we can't stop "cold turkey".  We need to learn to use our drug in such a way that it doesn't harm us.  Its a very tough spot to be in.  If I never needed to eat again, I might be able to struggle less.  Its when I begin to eat that I can't stop. 

This is my day 3, and though I have had 3 successful days in a row, don't think it hasn't been without a struggle.  Its a tough battle.  I'm hoping that within a few days/weeks food won't consume all my thoughts, and making healthy choices will come more easily.