I had been doing well. Really well. True, I needed to up my exercise, but I had the food thing under control. For just under a month. Now I am derailed, and I am struggling to get back on track.
I had lost only 2 pounds in the few weeks I had self control which included healthy eating and resisting temptations of all kinds. Growing a bit discouraged, I continued on with eating salads everyday and avoiding chocolate, cookies, ice cream, you name it.
Tonight I am having a chocolate fit. Had I not thrown out the Tobelerone candy bar last week, the entire contents would be slowly digesting in my tummy right now. Back up. If that Tobelerone candy bar was still in my garbage, I would dig it out right now and devour it. Sadly, though fortunately, it is at the city dump....a bit too extreme to dig through at the moment.
Getting derailed is scary because its so hard to get back on track. Add week long Birthday celebrations with many different friends PLUS family celebrations PLUS Thanksgiving celebrations, and I am officially derailed.
So derailed that today I succumbed to the gross Swiss Cake Rolls that were staring at me at my Mom's house after I indulged in my 3rd Thanksgiving meal. Oh but I didn't stop there.....I ate a 600 calorie mini pizza for dinner...and I wasn't even hungry.
Once again, each day I tell myself that I will get back on track "tomorrow", but that is really hard to do when I already have 3 days of going out to lunch/dinner planned in the next 5 days. Naturally, I then tell myself "After" those three meals, I will get back on track. However, in the meantime, I binge. Its frustrating. Its delicious. Its dangerous.
***Sigh***
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Surviving Halloween.
I'm hanging in there. Doing OK. Committed once again to making this work. Survived Halloween without a major binge, and held true to my one-a-day candy treat with the exception of Halloween Day when I allowed two candies. But now all the candy is gone and the temptations have subsided, though not disappeared altogether. Nor will they ever. Just today, I turned down 4 different kinds of candy bar treats at work. Yup, still going.
My food choices and portion sizes still need work, but this is a work in progress. For today, and for this moment, I am succeeding.
My food choices and portion sizes still need work, but this is a work in progress. For today, and for this moment, I am succeeding.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Deja Vu
I feel like I could just about copy and paste several past blog entries because I have been in this exact place in this exact cycle more than once. Its Momentum and Motivation. Its tiny little successes that lead to hopefully bigger and bigger successes. One successful day like yesterday created enough momentum to carry over to today...another successful day.
So, what does a successful day look like at this stage of the cycle. It looks like reasonable portions, no binging, and sticking with my goal of having only one piece of Halloween candy. But it is so much more than that too. In addition to all of that, is all of the little temptations that popped into my head and popped back out. For instance, there were the suckers at work that I would have had two days ago. The package of forbidden fruit snacks staring at me (I almost had just one....but knew it would lead to way more than one). The opened package of chocolate chips (all of these temptations were at work). For a brief moment, I considered it, but I knew it would lead down a bad road.
Don't get me wrong, it is OK to have any and all of these things in moderation, but I am not able to moderate myself at this time so it is crucial for me to "detoxify" as I like to call it. Get used to resisting all of that so that it once again becomes easy and...well, a habit.
My personal limit is one piece of Halloween candy and for the past 2 days, I was able to honor that limit. The most helpful part of this is having a buddy to help encourage, help cheerlead, and to fully understand the challenges so that when a "bad" day happens, they can relate, listen, and help get a buddy back on track.
I weighed myself today and my home scale says I am 148. That is still 10 pounds down from 1 1/2 years ago, but 13 pounds up from my lowest weight in the past 1 1/2 years. I've got work to do. Two days of momentum is under my belt already. Lets keep 'er going.
So, what does a successful day look like at this stage of the cycle. It looks like reasonable portions, no binging, and sticking with my goal of having only one piece of Halloween candy. But it is so much more than that too. In addition to all of that, is all of the little temptations that popped into my head and popped back out. For instance, there were the suckers at work that I would have had two days ago. The package of forbidden fruit snacks staring at me (I almost had just one....but knew it would lead to way more than one). The opened package of chocolate chips (all of these temptations were at work). For a brief moment, I considered it, but I knew it would lead down a bad road.
Don't get me wrong, it is OK to have any and all of these things in moderation, but I am not able to moderate myself at this time so it is crucial for me to "detoxify" as I like to call it. Get used to resisting all of that so that it once again becomes easy and...well, a habit.
My personal limit is one piece of Halloween candy and for the past 2 days, I was able to honor that limit. The most helpful part of this is having a buddy to help encourage, help cheerlead, and to fully understand the challenges so that when a "bad" day happens, they can relate, listen, and help get a buddy back on track.
I weighed myself today and my home scale says I am 148. That is still 10 pounds down from 1 1/2 years ago, but 13 pounds up from my lowest weight in the past 1 1/2 years. I've got work to do. Two days of momentum is under my belt already. Lets keep 'er going.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Just For Today
Oh Boy! Life has not been great. Actually "life" has been pretty darn grand; what hasn't been grand is my self control.....again. Oh, its such a difficult cycle to overcome. For those of you who have put your mind to healthy eating and/or exercise and have stuck with it, I commend you BIG TIME. It is the biggest hurdle I have had to tackle, and I am far from conquering it.
Long story short:
I started eating like crap
I started playing on my cell phone and stopped exercising as frequently as I used to
I started binging on cookies, ice cream, candy, you name it
I found myself in the DQ drive through way too often
I found myself in other fast food drive throughs way too often.
For someone who never, I repeat, NEVER, ate fast food, I ate more fast food this past summer than I have in MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was a delicious kind of summer.
But, with all of those bad habits creeping in, I had some health concerns creeping up. Though probably not directly related to my food choices, I have been shaky and even fainted not long ago as well as having developed a discomfort in my chest. Not to mention the impact this all has on my mood and mental health.
Yes, I was concerned enough to....ready for it....go to the doctor.
Labs all came back perfect so I have not damaged myself beyond repair. But, for a moment I was worried that I may have diabetes. Also, the doctor's office weighs everyone so I got to see my weight for the first time in a Very. Long. Time.
I have crept all the way back up to 150! That is only 8 pounds down from my highest weight 2 years ago.
So, once again, I want to do better and feel better. Back to baby steps. Today, my goal was to not binge on the Halloween candy that is lurking in the house. One piece of candy would be allowed. And one piece of candy I had. My food intake today was pretty good today overall so I will consider it a success.
Back to baby steps.
It is so much easier to stick with the healthy eating plan than it is to get back on once I have fallen off. Back up I go. Hopefully to stay on this time.
More weight checks. More accountability. More blogging. Less crappy food.
Long story short:
I started eating like crap
I started playing on my cell phone and stopped exercising as frequently as I used to
I started binging on cookies, ice cream, candy, you name it
I found myself in the DQ drive through way too often
I found myself in other fast food drive throughs way too often.
For someone who never, I repeat, NEVER, ate fast food, I ate more fast food this past summer than I have in MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was a delicious kind of summer.
But, with all of those bad habits creeping in, I had some health concerns creeping up. Though probably not directly related to my food choices, I have been shaky and even fainted not long ago as well as having developed a discomfort in my chest. Not to mention the impact this all has on my mood and mental health.
Yes, I was concerned enough to....ready for it....go to the doctor.
Labs all came back perfect so I have not damaged myself beyond repair. But, for a moment I was worried that I may have diabetes. Also, the doctor's office weighs everyone so I got to see my weight for the first time in a Very. Long. Time.
I have crept all the way back up to 150! That is only 8 pounds down from my highest weight 2 years ago.
So, once again, I want to do better and feel better. Back to baby steps. Today, my goal was to not binge on the Halloween candy that is lurking in the house. One piece of candy would be allowed. And one piece of candy I had. My food intake today was pretty good today overall so I will consider it a success.
Back to baby steps.
It is so much easier to stick with the healthy eating plan than it is to get back on once I have fallen off. Back up I go. Hopefully to stay on this time.
More weight checks. More accountability. More blogging. Less crappy food.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Burger Bucket List
Well, my burger bucket list is now complete. A few months ago, a friend informed me of these hamburgers that I just MUST try. So on a mission we went to sample all these burgers. Some were worth it, some were not. On our list was the Anchor Burger which is a rinky dink bar with greasy bar food. I have never eaten at the Anchor, and have heard nothing but ravishing reviews of all who had the Anchor Burger Experience. My initial impression was "eh". Burger was OK, but nothing special. My mom makes an equally tasty burger. The biggest down fall, for me, was that the accompanying soda was flat and gross which kind of ruined the whole experience for me.
Onto a Culver's Butter Burger. Never had I had one before. Until a week or so ago. Under the recommendation of my burger eating buddy, I got a double bacon butter burger. Delicious! The down fall this time was that in addition to the burger, we got chocolate malts which made our tummys expand something fierce. Too much food. A double burger, fries, and a malt.....yikes!
After saying "never again", and recovering for about a month, today we tried the Five Guys burger. Again, a foreign experience for me. This time, we got a burger, soda, and split the fries. Perfection. Though it is quite a different burger from Culver's, the entire experience was more enjoyable because we didn't get over stuffed, the soda was delicious, and the burger quite tasty.
All of this Burger sampling has not been agreeable with a healthy lifestyle nor one that promotes weight loss. Still, I weighed myself today, and I am not too far gone yet. Still 12 pounds down from where I originally started, but about 10 pounds up from where I'd like to be.
Now that my Burger Bucket List is complete, I won't be eating burgers out anytime soon. Its been a summer of burgers, blizzards, and bonfires!
Onto a Culver's Butter Burger. Never had I had one before. Until a week or so ago. Under the recommendation of my burger eating buddy, I got a double bacon butter burger. Delicious! The down fall this time was that in addition to the burger, we got chocolate malts which made our tummys expand something fierce. Too much food. A double burger, fries, and a malt.....yikes!
After saying "never again", and recovering for about a month, today we tried the Five Guys burger. Again, a foreign experience for me. This time, we got a burger, soda, and split the fries. Perfection. Though it is quite a different burger from Culver's, the entire experience was more enjoyable because we didn't get over stuffed, the soda was delicious, and the burger quite tasty.
All of this Burger sampling has not been agreeable with a healthy lifestyle nor one that promotes weight loss. Still, I weighed myself today, and I am not too far gone yet. Still 12 pounds down from where I originally started, but about 10 pounds up from where I'd like to be.
Now that my Burger Bucket List is complete, I won't be eating burgers out anytime soon. Its been a summer of burgers, blizzards, and bonfires!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Georgia Mud Fudging
I'm baaaaaaack. That could either mean one of two things: 1). I am doing pretty darn great or 2). I am failing miserably. Let's go with the latter, though I really wish it could be the prior.
Again, days are being described as "good days" and "bad days" in regards to the food consumption. I can't remember the last time I had a "good day". Today is scheduled to be that ever missing Good Day of which I had a whole summer filled with Good Days last summer.
This summer is a stark contrast from last summer. Last summer was filled with salads, fruits, veggies, turkey sandwiches, rollerblading and hiking galore. This summer has yet to fine me out on my blades (mostly in part to the devastating flood that left my only rollerblading trail in ruins, but also in part to my laziness). Its been a summer of Blizzards (and I don't mean the snow type of blizzard. Have you tried Georgia Mud Fudge? OMG, delicious!) and backyard fires! With the backyard fires comes S'mores and "foo foo booze" like Mikes Hard Lemonade and Wine Coolers....basically just sugar with a bit of alcohol. All quite nummy!
With all that nummy-ness comes extra poundage on the bod.
Currently I am on vacation from work. Just a staycation at home that I was hoping to restart myself. Get back into some healthy habits. Instead I have falling into that familiar refrain of "I'll start tomorrow". Today I am taking a little road trip and had visions of stopping at fast food somewhere along the way and maybe having a car load full of delicious snacks to munch on in the car.
BUT NO!
I have decided that today will be my first Good Day! NOT my last Bad Day.
Hopefully.
Again, days are being described as "good days" and "bad days" in regards to the food consumption. I can't remember the last time I had a "good day". Today is scheduled to be that ever missing Good Day of which I had a whole summer filled with Good Days last summer.
This summer is a stark contrast from last summer. Last summer was filled with salads, fruits, veggies, turkey sandwiches, rollerblading and hiking galore. This summer has yet to fine me out on my blades (mostly in part to the devastating flood that left my only rollerblading trail in ruins, but also in part to my laziness). Its been a summer of Blizzards (and I don't mean the snow type of blizzard. Have you tried Georgia Mud Fudge? OMG, delicious!) and backyard fires! With the backyard fires comes S'mores and "foo foo booze" like Mikes Hard Lemonade and Wine Coolers....basically just sugar with a bit of alcohol. All quite nummy!
With all that nummy-ness comes extra poundage on the bod.
Currently I am on vacation from work. Just a staycation at home that I was hoping to restart myself. Get back into some healthy habits. Instead I have falling into that familiar refrain of "I'll start tomorrow". Today I am taking a little road trip and had visions of stopping at fast food somewhere along the way and maybe having a car load full of delicious snacks to munch on in the car.
BUT NO!
I have decided that today will be my first Good Day! NOT my last Bad Day.
Hopefully.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Ups and Downs
What a roller coaster this past 11 months have been. Yes, it has been an 11 month long journey already. There have been definite high points and definite low points both with my self control and with my weight. I have discovered what works best for me (just overall healthy eating) and what doesn't (counting calories or keeping track of numbers on a scale). I have realized times when I gravitate toward poor choices (anxiety, loneliness, boredom).
Though my weight has yo-yo'd a bit, right now, today, I am 17 pounds lighter than I was just one year ago. That, in itself, is success. Seventeen pounds! Seventeen pounds. I forget where I started sometimes, and today I reminded myself where I was one year ago and I have come a long way baby. Yes, there have been horrible days, horrible weeks, and even horrible months. Getting off track is really easy to do, and very discouraging once it happens, making it that much more difficult to get back on track.
Today I am doing well. After having a week or more with buffet and Dairy Queen visits, TODAY I am doing well. I braved the scale this morning and about fell over when I found I had lost 3 pounds. That means I am only 2 pounds away from allowing ice cream again. Though I have cheated at that rule more than once.
Summer is approaching which will make exercise more enjoyable and yummy fruits and veggies more available. I can do this. I AM doing this.
Though my weight has yo-yo'd a bit, right now, today, I am 17 pounds lighter than I was just one year ago. That, in itself, is success. Seventeen pounds! Seventeen pounds. I forget where I started sometimes, and today I reminded myself where I was one year ago and I have come a long way baby. Yes, there have been horrible days, horrible weeks, and even horrible months. Getting off track is really easy to do, and very discouraging once it happens, making it that much more difficult to get back on track.
Today I am doing well. After having a week or more with buffet and Dairy Queen visits, TODAY I am doing well. I braved the scale this morning and about fell over when I found I had lost 3 pounds. That means I am only 2 pounds away from allowing ice cream again. Though I have cheated at that rule more than once.
Summer is approaching which will make exercise more enjoyable and yummy fruits and veggies more available. I can do this. I AM doing this.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Closer Examination
This is what happens......I do great for weeks; I avoid all those big temptations like dairy queen midnight calls, I bring my own food for work (even on doubles), I get a bit excited for Wednesday Weigh Day (which has been on various days of the week.....this week was today). The big day arrives, I step on the scale.....and I get disappointed. The scale does not move, and in fact, it actually went up one pound which is disheartening. Immediately I get pissed! I want to self sabotage. Like, I feel myself having those thoughts of, "fuck it! I'll just go eat 3 bowls of cereal now". Or "Fine, today I'll go to the Dairy Queen".
But then I stop those thoughts; I put on my game face; and I look at the situation with the motivation of wanting to succeed super badly.
And I take a close look on what REALLY went on during the past week:
A piece of chocolate (or two) stolen from work....every day.....
A taffy extravaganza where I ate probably about 10 or 12 pieces of taffy (and i don't even LIKE taffy)
A smallish cream cheese spice bar
A marshmallow feast where I succumbed to frozen marshmallows in lieu of running to the Dairy Queen in a fit of ice cream cravings. Though I chalk THIS one up to success cuz it could have been way worse.
A small bowl of cereal after work one night.
So maybe, just maybe, I haven't been doing as fabulously as I had convinced myself I was doing. Still, I want to be able to allow a little piece of chocolate or some taffy or whatever. Really, other than the taffy, I ate my treats in a very CONTROLLED manner and, that is a success in and of itself.
I want more, though. And I am not throwing in the towel just yet. After all, there is always next week.
But then I stop those thoughts; I put on my game face; and I look at the situation with the motivation of wanting to succeed super badly.
And I take a close look on what REALLY went on during the past week:
A piece of chocolate (or two) stolen from work....every day.....
A taffy extravaganza where I ate probably about 10 or 12 pieces of taffy (and i don't even LIKE taffy)
A smallish cream cheese spice bar
A marshmallow feast where I succumbed to frozen marshmallows in lieu of running to the Dairy Queen in a fit of ice cream cravings. Though I chalk THIS one up to success cuz it could have been way worse.
A small bowl of cereal after work one night.
So maybe, just maybe, I haven't been doing as fabulously as I had convinced myself I was doing. Still, I want to be able to allow a little piece of chocolate or some taffy or whatever. Really, other than the taffy, I ate my treats in a very CONTROLLED manner and, that is a success in and of itself.
I want more, though. And I am not throwing in the towel just yet. After all, there is always next week.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
My Body Knows
Amazing how in less than 2 weeks, I feel so different. I can now stand up from a sitting position without pain. My hips and knees are once again my friends. Not sure if it is a direct result of a poor diet, but let me tell you, my hips and knees were horribly painful for he past few weeks, maybe even months. I'm also not sure when they began to feel better. All I do know is that now that I am eating more fruits, veggies, and whole grains, my body is not nearly as achy.
I'm down 3 pounds. Three glorious pounds! Only 3 more to go before I am allowed ice cream again! I, once again, got my will power back in check. At least for now. This last fall from grace is proof that I am never safe and old habits can sneak their way back into my life at the drop of a hat.
The key for me is to not obsess over numbers. I've said it before, but I think what happened this last time was one of the things that was supposed to help me. Myfitnesspal. See what happens for me is that I get too focused on the numbers and when I feel like a failure, I begin to sabotage. Myfitnesspal is pretty much calorie based, and that is just fine and dandy. However, food is so much more than calories. Sometimes, nutrient rich foods are a little higher in calories than say those horribly bad for you prepared meals.
Instead of focusing on numbers, I need to just focus on healthy foods. Myfitnesspal has its place, and I may still refer to it from time to time, but its not going to be my Bible or even my main tool. Good food, exercise, and a positive attitude will be far more helpful!
I'm down 3 pounds. Three glorious pounds! Only 3 more to go before I am allowed ice cream again! I, once again, got my will power back in check. At least for now. This last fall from grace is proof that I am never safe and old habits can sneak their way back into my life at the drop of a hat.
The key for me is to not obsess over numbers. I've said it before, but I think what happened this last time was one of the things that was supposed to help me. Myfitnesspal. See what happens for me is that I get too focused on the numbers and when I feel like a failure, I begin to sabotage. Myfitnesspal is pretty much calorie based, and that is just fine and dandy. However, food is so much more than calories. Sometimes, nutrient rich foods are a little higher in calories than say those horribly bad for you prepared meals.
Instead of focusing on numbers, I need to just focus on healthy foods. Myfitnesspal has its place, and I may still refer to it from time to time, but its not going to be my Bible or even my main tool. Good food, exercise, and a positive attitude will be far more helpful!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Back on Track...Maybe
One week ago today, I was sitting in a Walgreen's parking lot scarfing down a sinful Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. Funny how things can change in just one week. Just one week.
Today I decided to face the reality of my food party from the last few months. I'm down one pound from where I was about a week ago. Its only one pound, but its a start. Its still one pound.
I saw myself in the mirror this morning. I'm wearing the same pants I wore a year ago when I ventured on this journey and took those horrific pictures way back when. I'm beginning to look like that again.
But maybe I have caught myself before its too late.
Its never really too late. But I think I caught myself before I have to start completely over again. Hopefully. Its been two days. Two good days! And that one pound gone that I discovered this morning was just enough incentive to keep going.
If only, you could see the immediate effects of resisting donuts, chocolate, pizza, and all the other bad-for-you food. Its long term, and for those of us who thrive on instant gratification, its a hard concept to fathom. But one I have conquered before, and one I will continue to conquer yet again.
Now that summer is upon us, fresh fruits and veggies are more available. That will be easier. Getting out and about will be easier with roller blades, hikes, and whatever else comes my way.
Yes, I am back on track, baby!
Today I decided to face the reality of my food party from the last few months. I'm down one pound from where I was about a week ago. Its only one pound, but its a start. Its still one pound.
I saw myself in the mirror this morning. I'm wearing the same pants I wore a year ago when I ventured on this journey and took those horrific pictures way back when. I'm beginning to look like that again.
But maybe I have caught myself before its too late.
Its never really too late. But I think I caught myself before I have to start completely over again. Hopefully. Its been two days. Two good days! And that one pound gone that I discovered this morning was just enough incentive to keep going.
If only, you could see the immediate effects of resisting donuts, chocolate, pizza, and all the other bad-for-you food. Its long term, and for those of us who thrive on instant gratification, its a hard concept to fathom. But one I have conquered before, and one I will continue to conquer yet again.
Now that summer is upon us, fresh fruits and veggies are more available. That will be easier. Getting out and about will be easier with roller blades, hikes, and whatever else comes my way.
Yes, I am back on track, baby!
Going to Extremes
To help aid in this whole dumb weight loss journey yet again, I have decided that I am not allowing myself ice cream. It is certainly my biggest vice.
"They" say you shouldn't reward yourself with food when you are on a diet, but I have to. Ice cream will be my reward. When I get back under 140, I will allow an ice cream dessert. Its what I gotta do. No more ice cream in my house (not even the single serving containers that I was able to manage without overdoing it). It can once again come into my house when I am below 140. And it will only make an appearance when and IF I can eat it without getting out of control with it. Ice cream may be something I simply can't have in my freezer. Its like an alcoholic with a bottle of booze in the cupboard. One drink, and its all down hill.
Anyway, no ice cream for me. It will be hard, but maybe that will be enough motivation to get my ass in gear and start losing it.....again.
"They" say you shouldn't reward yourself with food when you are on a diet, but I have to. Ice cream will be my reward. When I get back under 140, I will allow an ice cream dessert. Its what I gotta do. No more ice cream in my house (not even the single serving containers that I was able to manage without overdoing it). It can once again come into my house when I am below 140. And it will only make an appearance when and IF I can eat it without getting out of control with it. Ice cream may be something I simply can't have in my freezer. Its like an alcoholic with a bottle of booze in the cupboard. One drink, and its all down hill.
Anyway, no ice cream for me. It will be hard, but maybe that will be enough motivation to get my ass in gear and start losing it.....again.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
No Excuses
Today was my day of "no excuses". Yeah, I had me one of them last week too, only it didn't work out so well. There is always a good excuse: Too cold, too windy, too hot, I have to work, I have a day off, I have been doing good, I have been doing bad, I owe it to myself, I have to punish myself, its a special day, I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel anxious.......you get the point. There is always an excuse.
After my binge day yesterday, something had to give. Just for shits and giggles, I am going to list all the food I ate yesterday. Its a lot:
Cereal
apple
pudding
2 cookies
sliver of coffee cake
(this was all before noon)
Then:
granola bar
frozen fruit bar
ice cream
salad
turkey burger
baked beans
fruit cocktail
then I finished with a giant bowl of cereal.
That is a lot of food, but most of it was kinda healthy. I had to balance out the midnight run to Taco John's the night before and the buffet two days before that.
I visited a friend of mine last night. One I hadn't seen in quite some time. Certainly when I last saw her, I was about 10-15 pounds lighter. Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I didn't want to go. Didn't want to face her looking like I do. But I went.
Since the last time I saw her, she underwent a transformation of her own. Looking fit and in shape, she unknowingly brought me inspiration I so needed. First, I focused on how angry I was with myself for allowing me to get this out of control. During our visit, I schemed to drive through the Culver's drive through on my way home and get me a concrete mixer and maybe some fries.
But I didn't.
I don't know how my car kept rolling past Culver's, but it did. (I did indulge in cereal upon my return home, but I guess that is better than Culver's.) Images of how great my friend looked popped in to my head and I just kept driving all the while telling myself that I will stop.....not tomorrow....but now. I have to. Again, I am 10 pounds heavier than I was just a few months ago, but I am STILL 12 pounds down where I was about one year ago so I'm focusing on that.
I can do this.
So when I awoke this morning, I told myself no matter what happened, I was going to have a good day. No excuses. Within just moments of waking, I was tested right off the bat. Another friend texted me and invited me out to Cold Stone later this afternoon. Ooooh, so tempting. How can I turn down ice cream?!? But I did. I texted her back that I couldn't go. That was hard.
Later, I turned down a lunch invite from my mom choosing instead to go roller blading. Though it was only a 15 minute roller blade due to construction on the trail, I did go. Not only that, I took the dogs for a nice hour long hike. Plus I went to the grocery store and got me some good food to eat.
Yes, so far its been a good day. Its far from over, but I really want this. I don't want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable next time I am invited to see a friend.
No more excuses.
After my binge day yesterday, something had to give. Just for shits and giggles, I am going to list all the food I ate yesterday. Its a lot:
Cereal
apple
pudding
2 cookies
sliver of coffee cake
(this was all before noon)
Then:
granola bar
frozen fruit bar
ice cream
salad
turkey burger
baked beans
fruit cocktail
then I finished with a giant bowl of cereal.
That is a lot of food, but most of it was kinda healthy. I had to balance out the midnight run to Taco John's the night before and the buffet two days before that.
I visited a friend of mine last night. One I hadn't seen in quite some time. Certainly when I last saw her, I was about 10-15 pounds lighter. Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I didn't want to go. Didn't want to face her looking like I do. But I went.
Since the last time I saw her, she underwent a transformation of her own. Looking fit and in shape, she unknowingly brought me inspiration I so needed. First, I focused on how angry I was with myself for allowing me to get this out of control. During our visit, I schemed to drive through the Culver's drive through on my way home and get me a concrete mixer and maybe some fries.
But I didn't.
I don't know how my car kept rolling past Culver's, but it did. (I did indulge in cereal upon my return home, but I guess that is better than Culver's.) Images of how great my friend looked popped in to my head and I just kept driving all the while telling myself that I will stop.....not tomorrow....but now. I have to. Again, I am 10 pounds heavier than I was just a few months ago, but I am STILL 12 pounds down where I was about one year ago so I'm focusing on that.
I can do this.
So when I awoke this morning, I told myself no matter what happened, I was going to have a good day. No excuses. Within just moments of waking, I was tested right off the bat. Another friend texted me and invited me out to Cold Stone later this afternoon. Ooooh, so tempting. How can I turn down ice cream?!? But I did. I texted her back that I couldn't go. That was hard.
Later, I turned down a lunch invite from my mom choosing instead to go roller blading. Though it was only a 15 minute roller blade due to construction on the trail, I did go. Not only that, I took the dogs for a nice hour long hike. Plus I went to the grocery store and got me some good food to eat.
Yes, so far its been a good day. Its far from over, but I really want this. I don't want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable next time I am invited to see a friend.
No more excuses.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Heed the Clicky Hip
I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps I should start with the medium Pizza Hut pizza plus cinna sticks that I devoured almost in an entire sitting. Or Perhaps I should start with the gigantic ice cream cone that I ate in just minutes flat. I'm telling you this ice cream cone was HUGE. Or maybe I should start with the bag of frozen chocolate chips I inhaled. Regardless of where I start, the result is still the same.......I'm doing horribly. And also regardless of where I start, I know I must finish on a much better note.
Not sure how or why things started to spiral out of control into a food frenzy. I'm irritable, crabby, and maybe a little depressed. Not sure if my poor eating causes these uncomfortable moods or if my uncomfortable moods causes my over eating. Likely, a co-occurring relationship and one impacts the other.
Also, I notice changes in my body. I'm sore and achy. My clicky hip has returned. My back aches. It takes longer to poop....... Energy is non existent. Even something as common place as simple socializing sucks whatever energy reserves I had saved up. Leaving enough motivation only for a bath and television.
So that is where I am. Way far from where I want to be. So what gives?
Not sure. Each day I sincerely strive to do better, eat better, feel better. I have even summoned the help and support of a few trusted friends so that we can act as encouragement for one another. Seems like all women struggle on some level with a bizarre relationship with food.
I'm also contemplating doing a "cleanse" diet that claims to detoxify. It encourages no processed foods, no glutton, no sugar, no caffeine. But, then I think that would be a short term fix (it is only a 4-6 week program), and the day I end the cleanse could be binge-o-rama again. So I need something that fits with me. Fits with my lifestyle.
One thing is certain; A grocery store visit is necessary. After almost an entire year of not getting food from the work cafeteria, I have found myself relying way too much on the greasy choices our cafeteria has to offer. Fries, chicken strips, CHERRY COKE!
Tomorrow I intend to weigh myself (Its been far too long. Time to face reality) and also visit the grocery store (Something I have been saying I will do for about a month now). Yes, tomorrow.
Not sure how or why things started to spiral out of control into a food frenzy. I'm irritable, crabby, and maybe a little depressed. Not sure if my poor eating causes these uncomfortable moods or if my uncomfortable moods causes my over eating. Likely, a co-occurring relationship and one impacts the other.
Also, I notice changes in my body. I'm sore and achy. My clicky hip has returned. My back aches. It takes longer to poop....... Energy is non existent. Even something as common place as simple socializing sucks whatever energy reserves I had saved up. Leaving enough motivation only for a bath and television.
So that is where I am. Way far from where I want to be. So what gives?
Not sure. Each day I sincerely strive to do better, eat better, feel better. I have even summoned the help and support of a few trusted friends so that we can act as encouragement for one another. Seems like all women struggle on some level with a bizarre relationship with food.
I'm also contemplating doing a "cleanse" diet that claims to detoxify. It encourages no processed foods, no glutton, no sugar, no caffeine. But, then I think that would be a short term fix (it is only a 4-6 week program), and the day I end the cleanse could be binge-o-rama again. So I need something that fits with me. Fits with my lifestyle.
One thing is certain; A grocery store visit is necessary. After almost an entire year of not getting food from the work cafeteria, I have found myself relying way too much on the greasy choices our cafeteria has to offer. Fries, chicken strips, CHERRY COKE!
Tomorrow I intend to weigh myself (Its been far too long. Time to face reality) and also visit the grocery store (Something I have been saying I will do for about a month now). Yes, tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Eggs for Breakfast
I just ate 2 very large bowls of cereal for breakfast. Its been months since I had 2 bowls of cereal. I'm stuffed. But, at least its better than the breakfast I had yesterday which consisted of cereal PLUS all the remaining Easter candy I had laying around. Robin's Eggs, Peanut butter eggs, marshmallow eggs, Kit Kats, and Milky Ways. Oh, what a breakfast that was!
And, like so many times before, BECAUSE I started out the day on a bad foot, I consciously made it end on a bad note. Though I brought a self prepared (aka 'healthier') lunch to work, I decided to forgo my boring lunch and got instead some exciting chicken strips from the work cafeteria. And because I was having a "bad day", I got myself some crack as well. Good ol' cherry coke. It is slowly sneaking its way back into my life. And because I had a bad day, I might as well just go ahead and have a bad week since I "can't" start my tomorrow on any other day than Monday or Wednesday.....or on a day I go to work.....or on my day off.....or on a day ends in the letters "d.a.y.",
So, again, yesterday I brought my own prepared lunch to work, but chose instead to get some crap from the cafeteria. No cherry coke this time, though. Nope. Instead, I got ice cream as a chaser. It has been almost one entire year since I got ice cream from work......I've opened up a new can of worms.
I must close that can. Today was going to be that day. Except my tummy is protruding with 2 giant bowls of cereal swimming around in there. Seems I need to feel my stomach expanding before I feel satiated.
And, if I had any candy left over, you better believe I would be quickly unwrapping any and all pieces of that chocolaty goodness and devouring it for a breakfast dessert.
And, like so many times before, BECAUSE I started out the day on a bad foot, I consciously made it end on a bad note. Though I brought a self prepared (aka 'healthier') lunch to work, I decided to forgo my boring lunch and got instead some exciting chicken strips from the work cafeteria. And because I was having a "bad day", I got myself some crack as well. Good ol' cherry coke. It is slowly sneaking its way back into my life. And because I had a bad day, I might as well just go ahead and have a bad week since I "can't" start my tomorrow on any other day than Monday or Wednesday.....or on a day I go to work.....or on my day off.....or on a day ends in the letters "d.a.y.",
So, again, yesterday I brought my own prepared lunch to work, but chose instead to get some crap from the cafeteria. No cherry coke this time, though. Nope. Instead, I got ice cream as a chaser. It has been almost one entire year since I got ice cream from work......I've opened up a new can of worms.
I must close that can. Today was going to be that day. Except my tummy is protruding with 2 giant bowls of cereal swimming around in there. Seems I need to feel my stomach expanding before I feel satiated.
And, if I had any candy left over, you better believe I would be quickly unwrapping any and all pieces of that chocolaty goodness and devouring it for a breakfast dessert.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
"Hopping" Along
My second "good" day in a row. My definition of "good" has expanded to include basically no binging. Today was healthy portion sizes, pretty healthy choices all together, and another day where I wasn't preoccupied with food. It was just a day. Then I got done with work and had that fleeting thought of running through the drive through, getting a Big Mac and fries (it is so weird that McDonald's has been calling my name...I have probably ordered food from there less than 5 times in my whole life)! But I didn't. Instead I came home, putzed around with crap I have been meaning to get done, and made myself a turkey burger. A turkey burger is no Big Mac I tell ya, but it filled an empty void.
I need to get grocery shopping. My problem is that I don't know what to get anymore. For over six months I lived on turkey sandwiches and salads. Throw in an occasional turkey burger or burrito and that was my substance. I'm bored with the same ol' same ol'. I need fun new foods that are good for you. That is nearly impossible when my palate is quite narrow to begin with. Good news is that summer is soon approaching which means FRUIT! I love fruits of all kinds! So yummy!
Tomorrow, of course, is Easter which means dinner at mom's and temptations of many kinds of candy. It makes me so anxious....
I need to get grocery shopping. My problem is that I don't know what to get anymore. For over six months I lived on turkey sandwiches and salads. Throw in an occasional turkey burger or burrito and that was my substance. I'm bored with the same ol' same ol'. I need fun new foods that are good for you. That is nearly impossible when my palate is quite narrow to begin with. Good news is that summer is soon approaching which means FRUIT! I love fruits of all kinds! So yummy!
Tomorrow, of course, is Easter which means dinner at mom's and temptations of many kinds of candy. It makes me so anxious....
Friday, April 6, 2012
A Step in the Right Direction
Finally a good day. One that didn't find me preoccupied with food. One that didn't have cravings. I didn't even realize it until mid way through the day when I was talking to a coworker and telling her how "horrible" I have been doing. Then I realized that today was not horrible. In fact, it was pretty decent. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies at my mom's house, which led to me being over by 19 calories today, but that is a huge win considering my binge a thons of the past few weeks.
Today I kept busy all day cleaning. Both at work and at home. I had very little computer and cell phone time. I hiked the dogs after work. All are contributors to a good day today. Also, I set little goals for myself that were unrelated to food. Goal 1.....Do dishes (I have been having a hard time finding motivation to do those little things lately). Goal 2....cut my fingernails (I told you my motivation has been lacking). And Goal 3......organize new materials for work which I have here at home. All 3 goals accomplished!
Its been kind of a manic day today which has been exhilarating. Not sure where this burst of energy came today, but I was on fire. I'm thinking hormones may be a factor today, but its TMI to go into detail here.
At any rate, it was a decent day and it feels good!
Today I kept busy all day cleaning. Both at work and at home. I had very little computer and cell phone time. I hiked the dogs after work. All are contributors to a good day today. Also, I set little goals for myself that were unrelated to food. Goal 1.....Do dishes (I have been having a hard time finding motivation to do those little things lately). Goal 2....cut my fingernails (I told you my motivation has been lacking). And Goal 3......organize new materials for work which I have here at home. All 3 goals accomplished!
Its been kind of a manic day today which has been exhilarating. Not sure where this burst of energy came today, but I was on fire. I'm thinking hormones may be a factor today, but its TMI to go into detail here.
At any rate, it was a decent day and it feels good!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
FOOD!
Why is it so hard? I have been failing miserably. Partly due to not keeping track of anything. Not tracking food, not tracking weight. Nothing. I'm finding myself, once again, in the drive through lane at the DQ multiple times a week. Once again stuffing myself into a food coma. Once again becoming oh so preoccupied with FOOD. I think about it, I crave it, I succumb to it. Getting dressed in the morning is a dreaded chore so I stay in my robe into the afternoon hours unless I am forced to put on a pair of jeans before hand.
My biggest accomplishment this week was resisting the urge to drive through Taco John's and getting some potato oles last night after Bible Study. I don't even like fast food so not sure why the desire to go to McDonald's and Taco John's has been so strong lately. So far, I have been able to resist.....
So, what to do about it? I don't know. I wish I did. I'm uttering that familiar refrain "Starting tomorrow" on a daily basis, and tomorrow never comes. Its that same cycle I have entered so many times in the past. Binge today, "start tomorrow".......Binge today, "start tomorrow".....until before I know it, I have been striving for tomorrow for weeks on end.
I just love food so much. It helps me feel better when I am bored, when I am anxious, when I am sad, and it is such a fun celebration when I am happy! I just love FOOD!
This was just a whiny post. I'm not making any promises, because I don't know that I am "ready" yet. Empty promises produce more feelings of inadequacy and guilt so for now, I am just floating along.
Gonna go make lunch now. FOOD!
My biggest accomplishment this week was resisting the urge to drive through Taco John's and getting some potato oles last night after Bible Study. I don't even like fast food so not sure why the desire to go to McDonald's and Taco John's has been so strong lately. So far, I have been able to resist.....
So, what to do about it? I don't know. I wish I did. I'm uttering that familiar refrain "Starting tomorrow" on a daily basis, and tomorrow never comes. Its that same cycle I have entered so many times in the past. Binge today, "start tomorrow".......Binge today, "start tomorrow".....until before I know it, I have been striving for tomorrow for weeks on end.
I just love food so much. It helps me feel better when I am bored, when I am anxious, when I am sad, and it is such a fun celebration when I am happy! I just love FOOD!
This was just a whiny post. I'm not making any promises, because I don't know that I am "ready" yet. Empty promises produce more feelings of inadequacy and guilt so for now, I am just floating along.
Gonna go make lunch now. FOOD!
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Trough Overfloweth
I can only be good for so long. I can only resist DQ treats and various other treats for so long. Then the dam opens and I cram it all in in one day.....or in a very short few hours.
The trough at work was overflowing with welcome-back cookies, cake, fudge brownies, peanuts, chips, you name it. I managed to resist until after lunch at which point my stressful day caught up with me. Then it was excuse after excuse: "I deserve this brownie; my day was stressful". Or the "I've been so good, I owe it to myself" excuse. All is fine and dandy until one brownie turns into two brownies turns into 4 brownies turns into a handful of sugar coated cashews. Ugh.
Somewhere in there, I thought I would not record it in myfitnesspal, but for some reason made myself do just that. Had I stopped at just one brownie, I would have been just fine as they weren't that high is calories and totally doable, but before I entered it, I had convinced myself that I was going to sabotage my day. Had I been a little more "mindful" and entered that first brownie, I would have stopped at that one and not go back for numbers 2, 3, or 4. Oh yeah, I forgot the peanut M&M raid at my mom's house. Yes, it was a day of excuses, a day of temptations, and a day of indulging.
However, all is not lost. I recorded all that food and as it stand right here and now, I am NOT over my calories for today (I haven't had dinner yet). Not sure if I will have dinner, but even if I DO have dinner, I will have a light dinner. I will likely go over my calories, but not by much considering the lack of self control I exhibited today.
All that rich food did not sit well in my tummy. I walked the dogs after work, and nearly had to drop a dookie in the forest! I was either going to ralph up or squirt out, and I wasn't sure which one it would be or how it would happen. Thankfully, I was able to keep all fluids inside and now have a horrendous bellyache (which is why I may or may not eat dinner)----a not-so-gentle reminder of why it is not good to over indulge.
The trough at work was overflowing with welcome-back cookies, cake, fudge brownies, peanuts, chips, you name it. I managed to resist until after lunch at which point my stressful day caught up with me. Then it was excuse after excuse: "I deserve this brownie; my day was stressful". Or the "I've been so good, I owe it to myself" excuse. All is fine and dandy until one brownie turns into two brownies turns into 4 brownies turns into a handful of sugar coated cashews. Ugh.
Somewhere in there, I thought I would not record it in myfitnesspal, but for some reason made myself do just that. Had I stopped at just one brownie, I would have been just fine as they weren't that high is calories and totally doable, but before I entered it, I had convinced myself that I was going to sabotage my day. Had I been a little more "mindful" and entered that first brownie, I would have stopped at that one and not go back for numbers 2, 3, or 4. Oh yeah, I forgot the peanut M&M raid at my mom's house. Yes, it was a day of excuses, a day of temptations, and a day of indulging.
However, all is not lost. I recorded all that food and as it stand right here and now, I am NOT over my calories for today (I haven't had dinner yet). Not sure if I will have dinner, but even if I DO have dinner, I will have a light dinner. I will likely go over my calories, but not by much considering the lack of self control I exhibited today.
All that rich food did not sit well in my tummy. I walked the dogs after work, and nearly had to drop a dookie in the forest! I was either going to ralph up or squirt out, and I wasn't sure which one it would be or how it would happen. Thankfully, I was able to keep all fluids inside and now have a horrendous bellyache (which is why I may or may not eat dinner)----a not-so-gentle reminder of why it is not good to over indulge.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Delaying Gratification
An amazing phenomenon happened today. Something that has never happened before and is unlikely to happen again. I went to the DQ with a friend today. In and of itself, that is no big feat. However, I DID NOT GET ANYTHING. I sat and watched her eat a mediocre looking hot fudge sundae. It was hard, yes, but I assessed the situation, weighed my pros and cons, and decided to forgo what would have been my second DQ of the week.
It would be so much easier to resist such things if the gratification for RESISTING was immediate. Like if I stepped on a scale and saw that I had lost a pound or something. Instead, you get that immediate gratification for indulging.
But here is how shit went down today:
Friend called and invited me on a hike.
Friend suggested we go to the DQ afterwards.
My thought process kicked in as such:
A). I just had a DQ
B). Is it REALLY worth the 700 plus calories (yes, my DQ treat was 724 calories or some ungodly number)?
C). I began searching for a "smarter" option and found that a small chocolate dipped cone was doable with around 180 calories. So, I had that in the back of my head to order; only when the time came, I weighed the pros and cons of getting that cone then and there. I really wanted ice cream I had in my freezer which was around the same calorie content but much more pleasing for my taste buds. I don't particularly care for chocolate dip cones. If I couldn't get what I wanted, I wasn't going to get anything at all. So I didn't.
So I declined and waited to be "gratified" after my dinner with my own ice cream. Glad I did. Whew, this is hard work!
It would be so much easier to resist such things if the gratification for RESISTING was immediate. Like if I stepped on a scale and saw that I had lost a pound or something. Instead, you get that immediate gratification for indulging.
But here is how shit went down today:
Friend called and invited me on a hike.
Friend suggested we go to the DQ afterwards.
My thought process kicked in as such:
A). I just had a DQ
B). Is it REALLY worth the 700 plus calories (yes, my DQ treat was 724 calories or some ungodly number)?
C). I began searching for a "smarter" option and found that a small chocolate dipped cone was doable with around 180 calories. So, I had that in the back of my head to order; only when the time came, I weighed the pros and cons of getting that cone then and there. I really wanted ice cream I had in my freezer which was around the same calorie content but much more pleasing for my taste buds. I don't particularly care for chocolate dip cones. If I couldn't get what I wanted, I wasn't going to get anything at all. So I didn't.
So I declined and waited to be "gratified" after my dinner with my own ice cream. Glad I did. Whew, this is hard work!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Avoiding the Trough
Seems like those days that I have to work, I struggle a bit more to remain under my calorie goal because I don't get nearly the exercise in AND work is a constant trough of FOOD!
Immediately upon entering the unit at work, I was faced with a homemade bundt cake, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and homemade bread with homemade jam. UGH!!! All so YUMMY, but oh so BAD.
However, I did great!
I had only ONE cookie and one piece of bread, both of which I recorded on myfitnesspal. Temptation is everywhere and its so hard to resist. Especially when overly stressed or overly bored. To have the most delicious food ever staring me in the face at work is about the most difficult temptations to resist. Its accessible, its always present, and quite convenient. Not to mention delicious!
For some reason, I was able to resist yesterday and today I had a small pay off. Finally, the scale budged. Ever so slightly, but it moved. And it moved in the right direction!
Immediately upon entering the unit at work, I was faced with a homemade bundt cake, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and homemade bread with homemade jam. UGH!!! All so YUMMY, but oh so BAD.
However, I did great!
I had only ONE cookie and one piece of bread, both of which I recorded on myfitnesspal. Temptation is everywhere and its so hard to resist. Especially when overly stressed or overly bored. To have the most delicious food ever staring me in the face at work is about the most difficult temptations to resist. Its accessible, its always present, and quite convenient. Not to mention delicious!
For some reason, I was able to resist yesterday and today I had a small pay off. Finally, the scale budged. Ever so slightly, but it moved. And it moved in the right direction!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Working for Nothing
Its been a while since I last posted, but don't take that to mean defeat. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I have once again got on the healthy eating bandwagon in large part due to the myfitnesspal app that has now infected almost the entire unit at work. Because other people were attempting this most challenging feat, I thought I had better not give up now. Plus its good for me.
So I have been doing pretty darn good. Getting in lots of exercise, allowing treats of ice cream or what not when I have calories to spare, and trying to make the healthier options.
Yes, I have been doing well, but my weight hasn't really paid attention to that and has just remained stagnant.
Its OK. Really it is. It just seems like an awful lot of work for no gain.....or rather for no loss.
I do need to give myself props for yesterday's choices though. I didn't bring my lunch to work and chose instead to be at the mercy of the cafeteria. Always a tricky endeavor. It was a real challenge to not get into that "day off" mentality where I just eat whatever I want because I "can't" eat healthy one time during the day.
But I didn't.
Instead, I made a decent choice for lunch (BLT with kettle chips...chose milk instead of pop. I even had the glass in my hand at line at the soda fountain, put it back, and opted for milk). Then, because I "cheated" at lunch, I gave myself permission to "cheat" even more and got a large cookie for dessert. Normally, I would have ignored the day and not recorded my food; however, I decided to record my food on my phone app yesterday to find out that I had enough calories for a light dinner. So, I just made whatever for dinner, and recorded that. Only to have my calories equal "0" for the day meaning I ate every single calorie allowed to me. No more. No less.
But then, but then, I went for a fabulous ski. It was a push because weather was cold, blustery, and a bit snowy. Once I got out there, it was wonderful and I skied solidly for over an hour. That put my calorie count into a surplus. Oh, I seriously considered coming home and eating ice cream, but didn't.
What was sure to be a failure day turned out to be a huge success.
Still, this seems like a whole lot of work for no tangible reinforcement.
So I have been doing pretty darn good. Getting in lots of exercise, allowing treats of ice cream or what not when I have calories to spare, and trying to make the healthier options.
Yes, I have been doing well, but my weight hasn't really paid attention to that and has just remained stagnant.
Its OK. Really it is. It just seems like an awful lot of work for no gain.....or rather for no loss.
I do need to give myself props for yesterday's choices though. I didn't bring my lunch to work and chose instead to be at the mercy of the cafeteria. Always a tricky endeavor. It was a real challenge to not get into that "day off" mentality where I just eat whatever I want because I "can't" eat healthy one time during the day.
But I didn't.
Instead, I made a decent choice for lunch (BLT with kettle chips...chose milk instead of pop. I even had the glass in my hand at line at the soda fountain, put it back, and opted for milk). Then, because I "cheated" at lunch, I gave myself permission to "cheat" even more and got a large cookie for dessert. Normally, I would have ignored the day and not recorded my food; however, I decided to record my food on my phone app yesterday to find out that I had enough calories for a light dinner. So, I just made whatever for dinner, and recorded that. Only to have my calories equal "0" for the day meaning I ate every single calorie allowed to me. No more. No less.
But then, but then, I went for a fabulous ski. It was a push because weather was cold, blustery, and a bit snowy. Once I got out there, it was wonderful and I skied solidly for over an hour. That put my calorie count into a surplus. Oh, I seriously considered coming home and eating ice cream, but didn't.
What was sure to be a failure day turned out to be a huge success.
Still, this seems like a whole lot of work for no tangible reinforcement.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Losing It!
In just four short days, I have lost four glorious pounds! Count them....1, 2, 3, 4!! I decided to weigh myself today (and will again on Wednesday) just for the hell of it. Glad I did. It was that tiny little reinforcement that I needed to keep on keeping on.
The app for my phone, Myfitnesspal, really makes it easier. It gives you a calorie goal, it counts calories, and you can make informed decisions about what to eat. Last night I had over 300 calories by the end of the night and I wanted a snack. Enough for ice cream if I so chose or enough for a different snack. I opted for a different snack of popcorn and hot cocoa (and I still had calories left over). A week ago, I would have eaten BOTH snacks and then some.
It also helps that half of my work place is now using that same app and we are all acting as cheerleaders for one another. Having a buddy system does help especially when you see everybody else's success: it makes me want to succeed that much more.
Keepin' On.
The app for my phone, Myfitnesspal, really makes it easier. It gives you a calorie goal, it counts calories, and you can make informed decisions about what to eat. Last night I had over 300 calories by the end of the night and I wanted a snack. Enough for ice cream if I so chose or enough for a different snack. I opted for a different snack of popcorn and hot cocoa (and I still had calories left over). A week ago, I would have eaten BOTH snacks and then some.
It also helps that half of my work place is now using that same app and we are all acting as cheerleaders for one another. Having a buddy system does help especially when you see everybody else's success: it makes me want to succeed that much more.
Keepin' On.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Barely, but I'll Take it.
Today was barely successful, but you know what? It was! Going into today, I had very little wiggle room for my calorie goal. I had planned on working a double so had my food pretty much pre-planned.
But plans changed.
There was food at work. Plus, because I was planning on a double, there was no room for any significant exercise. With this, I exceeded my calorie goal for today (which in my mind is failure....I need to reframe "success" and "failure" and not go solely by the calorie goal).
I did eat some of my homemade banana bread (I had 2 more pieces than originally planned), but that is it. I resisted going into the bingo bin for more chocolate so that is a huge success. I skipped out at change of shift to avoid the delicious food being brought in. And I didn't double which means I got to go for a hike after work. That is awesome because it gave me some more calories to eat.
I am ending the night with 29 calories to spare. It seemed like extra hard work today, but I did it. Barely, but I did it.
But plans changed.
There was food at work. Plus, because I was planning on a double, there was no room for any significant exercise. With this, I exceeded my calorie goal for today (which in my mind is failure....I need to reframe "success" and "failure" and not go solely by the calorie goal).
I did eat some of my homemade banana bread (I had 2 more pieces than originally planned), but that is it. I resisted going into the bingo bin for more chocolate so that is a huge success. I skipped out at change of shift to avoid the delicious food being brought in. And I didn't double which means I got to go for a hike after work. That is awesome because it gave me some more calories to eat.
I am ending the night with 29 calories to spare. It seemed like extra hard work today, but I did it. Barely, but I did it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Greens at Last.
I had a salad today. Something I haven't had in months. It tasted nummy! Day 3 proved to be another successful day.....granted it isn't over quite yet, and my danger zone hours are in full swing. However, I still have over 300 calories to consume (if I so choose) so I'm thinking I'll be OK.
Today was such a success that I even had room for an ice cream following dinner tonight (and yes, I STILL have 300 calories to go)!
Actually I thought today was going to be a bust right from the get-go. I had a calorie heavy breakfast (and it wasn't even that heavy, it was just heavier than my past 2 days). Immediately, I considered today a bust. I proceeded to make 2 loaves of banana bread in which I always put some chocolate chips. Because I considered today a bust, I thought about just taking some handfuls of those chocolate chips, but I resisted. I have no clue what prevented me from indulging, but I didn't even eat just one.
Then I went to the grocery store where I came across some single serving sized ice cream deliciousness each having around 180-200 calories a piece. Yes, I got some. I got some in hopes of using the single serving sizes to help with my portion control, and if I record it on my phone app, then its all good. I can have it, I just need to record it.
So today I had my ice cream and ate it too! I was within my calorie goal for today AND indulged in some ice cream. It isn't easy, but it is do-able.
Today was such a success that I even had room for an ice cream following dinner tonight (and yes, I STILL have 300 calories to go)!
Actually I thought today was going to be a bust right from the get-go. I had a calorie heavy breakfast (and it wasn't even that heavy, it was just heavier than my past 2 days). Immediately, I considered today a bust. I proceeded to make 2 loaves of banana bread in which I always put some chocolate chips. Because I considered today a bust, I thought about just taking some handfuls of those chocolate chips, but I resisted. I have no clue what prevented me from indulging, but I didn't even eat just one.
Then I went to the grocery store where I came across some single serving sized ice cream deliciousness each having around 180-200 calories a piece. Yes, I got some. I got some in hopes of using the single serving sizes to help with my portion control, and if I record it on my phone app, then its all good. I can have it, I just need to record it.
So today I had my ice cream and ate it too! I was within my calorie goal for today AND indulged in some ice cream. It isn't easy, but it is do-able.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 2.
Amazing how just one successful day is enough to get momentum going again. Yesterday I accomplished (and surpassed) my goals which led to another successful day today.
My day started out on the best foot possible. I went skiing! By 9:00 this morning, I was hitting the ski trails which felt so incredibly gooooood. Since we haven't had any measurable snow this winter, skiing has not been possible, and boy what a disappointment. Skiing is usually my biggest form of exercise in the winter (as roller blading is in the summer), and without it, I am a bit more sedentary. Though I do hike the dogs nearly everyday, it doesn't get my heart pumping like skiing does.
After my ski, I hiked the dogs so I got in a good amount of exercise today. On top of that, I recorded all my food on my phone and ate relatively healthy today!
My biggest obstacle was turning down the donuts, the homemade cookies and the peanut M&Ms at my mom's house (those peanut M&Ms have been known to sabotage whatever success I may encounter). I really wanted one of those donuts too.
So, day 2 was a great success. On the docket for tomorrow is grocery shopping, more skiing, and more hiking. I don't want to lose this momentum.
My day started out on the best foot possible. I went skiing! By 9:00 this morning, I was hitting the ski trails which felt so incredibly gooooood. Since we haven't had any measurable snow this winter, skiing has not been possible, and boy what a disappointment. Skiing is usually my biggest form of exercise in the winter (as roller blading is in the summer), and without it, I am a bit more sedentary. Though I do hike the dogs nearly everyday, it doesn't get my heart pumping like skiing does.
After my ski, I hiked the dogs so I got in a good amount of exercise today. On top of that, I recorded all my food on my phone and ate relatively healthy today!
My biggest obstacle was turning down the donuts, the homemade cookies and the peanut M&Ms at my mom's house (those peanut M&Ms have been known to sabotage whatever success I may encounter). I really wanted one of those donuts too.
So, day 2 was a great success. On the docket for tomorrow is grocery shopping, more skiing, and more hiking. I don't want to lose this momentum.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day 1....Again.
I have accomplished my basic goals for today. I weighed myself and was quite disappointed, though not entirely surprised, to learn I have gained about 10 pounds in the past 2 months (up to 146 now). Though I am still down 12 pounds from when I first ventured on this journey last year, I am heading back down that dangerous path. Had I kept going as I was, I would have been right back to where I was by next month.
Damn.
I thought I could just eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Guess not. Today is my new day 1. Yes, I have had several day 1's, but today is really my new day 1. So far I have been successful: I weighed myself, I went for a 45 minute hike, I logged all my food on my phone (and so far am under my calorie goal). Granted, the night is not over yet, but really I have achieved my goal for today as it was simply to record my intake with no focus on calories consumed.
Its so hard. So fricken hard.
Here I go again.........
Damn.
I thought I could just eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Guess not. Today is my new day 1. Yes, I have had several day 1's, but today is really my new day 1. So far I have been successful: I weighed myself, I went for a 45 minute hike, I logged all my food on my phone (and so far am under my calorie goal). Granted, the night is not over yet, but really I have achieved my goal for today as it was simply to record my intake with no focus on calories consumed.
Its so hard. So fricken hard.
Here I go again.........
Monday, February 20, 2012
S.O.S.
HELP!! I never thought I would be here again. Months ago, I VOWED never again, and yet, here I am. Back to the beginning. Not sure how 6 months of hard work can be erased in one short month. Well, I guess I do know how that happens. It happens when you eat out more often than not. It happens when you eat ice cream and popcorn for dinner every night. It happens when you stop moving your body. That is exactly what happened.
Fruits and Veggies are absent. I went from eating a salad nearly everyday to I can't remember the last time I had a salad. Chocolate and sugar are evil temptresses that refuse to take no for an answer. Not only can't I resist, but I seek them out. All the usual hiding places at work and at home are frequented again and again.
I haven't weighed myself in weeks....maybe a month or more. Pants are getting tighter, and once again I have a food baby in my belly.
So, where do I go from here? I'm like a druggie who has relapsed and getting "clean" again will be just as difficult as it was the first time. Honestly, I am not sure I am ready yet. I just love food so much. I look so forward to going out to eat or to that high calorie bowl of ice cream.
My plan is going to be very basic and simple. For this week, I am going to weigh myself on Wednesday. I will once again revisit my blog weekly, if not daily. I reaaaaaalllllly don't want to go back to a daily food diary, but I may just have to do that since that was the single most helpful tool for me. However, I do have an app on my phone so instead of recording that on my blog, I will record it on my phone. So, starting on Wednesday (WWD), I will weigh myself and record all my food intake.
That is my plan. Something's gotta give.
Fruits and Veggies are absent. I went from eating a salad nearly everyday to I can't remember the last time I had a salad. Chocolate and sugar are evil temptresses that refuse to take no for an answer. Not only can't I resist, but I seek them out. All the usual hiding places at work and at home are frequented again and again.
I haven't weighed myself in weeks....maybe a month or more. Pants are getting tighter, and once again I have a food baby in my belly.
So, where do I go from here? I'm like a druggie who has relapsed and getting "clean" again will be just as difficult as it was the first time. Honestly, I am not sure I am ready yet. I just love food so much. I look so forward to going out to eat or to that high calorie bowl of ice cream.
My plan is going to be very basic and simple. For this week, I am going to weigh myself on Wednesday. I will once again revisit my blog weekly, if not daily. I reaaaaaalllllly don't want to go back to a daily food diary, but I may just have to do that since that was the single most helpful tool for me. However, I do have an app on my phone so instead of recording that on my blog, I will record it on my phone. So, starting on Wednesday (WWD), I will weigh myself and record all my food intake.
That is my plan. Something's gotta give.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tomorrow has come......again.
Its finally arrived, that ever elusive day. Tomorrow has come......again. For the past month or so, I kept telling myself "tomorrow". Tomorrow I will begin again......tomorrow I will do better.....tomorrow..... Well, its here.
Because I am always starting "tomorrow", every single "today" has been a binge fest. Its like I am back at square one only with a bit of a head start. Yeah, its been a bad month that has included a midnight drive through at Taco John's, a cookie fest, ordering out with a soda and dessert after every meal, ordering out way more than once a week, a buffet, a cereal-a-thon, ice cream galore, and virtually no exercise. All that is going to change, again, today.
Not sure how or where it all happened, but I do know that somewhere in there my thinking changed. I reverted back to old habits, and was getting a bit obsessed with numbers again. Speaking of numbers, I gained 3 pounds on this month tirade, which isn't really horrible. Step one today was stepping on that scale (notice I didn't do a blog entry last week? Yeah, that was me giving myself permission to go crazy for this last week, and go crazy I did). So here we are on WWD, now officially day ONE again.
I'm at 142 now, and my goal is to be below 140 again. Ideally 134 is a good number. So I really only need/want to lose 5-8 pounds.
However, I want to still go for ice cream, still go to the buffet, still order dessert, and maybe still go through a drive through every now and again. I need to make allowances or else I end up going crazy. I love food! AND THAT IS OK. I just need to do it once a month rather than once a day or even once a week.
So here we go again. Happy Tomorrow, which is really Today.
Because I am always starting "tomorrow", every single "today" has been a binge fest. Its like I am back at square one only with a bit of a head start. Yeah, its been a bad month that has included a midnight drive through at Taco John's, a cookie fest, ordering out with a soda and dessert after every meal, ordering out way more than once a week, a buffet, a cereal-a-thon, ice cream galore, and virtually no exercise. All that is going to change, again, today.
Not sure how or where it all happened, but I do know that somewhere in there my thinking changed. I reverted back to old habits, and was getting a bit obsessed with numbers again. Speaking of numbers, I gained 3 pounds on this month tirade, which isn't really horrible. Step one today was stepping on that scale (notice I didn't do a blog entry last week? Yeah, that was me giving myself permission to go crazy for this last week, and go crazy I did). So here we are on WWD, now officially day ONE again.
I'm at 142 now, and my goal is to be below 140 again. Ideally 134 is a good number. So I really only need/want to lose 5-8 pounds.
However, I want to still go for ice cream, still go to the buffet, still order dessert, and maybe still go through a drive through every now and again. I need to make allowances or else I end up going crazy. I love food! AND THAT IS OK. I just need to do it once a month rather than once a day or even once a week.
So here we go again. Happy Tomorrow, which is really Today.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Its BaaaaaaAaaaack!
When this whole healthy diet thing started, the first few days, or maybe even weeks, was really difficult because I would get cravings for ice cream, chocolate, or anything yummy. Once I really got into it, the cravings subsided, and eventually disappeared for the most part. Sure, I would get a hankering every now and again, but I didn't have that unsatisfied feeling every time after I ate a meal. You know, the kind that says You. Must. Have. Dessert.
Yeah, that feeling is back. Hard core. Since I rediscovered food, I now get that craving for a sweet snack following any meal. Its a sweetness and a craving that is only solved with indulging it.
So tonight, after an edgy day at work, I found myself abandoning my after work walk (which would have been a helpful stress reliever). Dinner was rather healthy and even included a salad and veggies. After dinner, that familiar craving appeared. I thought about running through the McDonald's drive through for yet another McFlurry, but instead I texted a friend inquiring about a Cold Stone run.
She didn't answer for some time, and I started blogging in attempts to thwart the calls of the ice cream. I figured it was a sign that I shouldn't give in to that craving. And to help thwart that effort even more, I considered taking a bath so that if/when she responded, I would be in my jammies and not in the mood to go.
I didn't take that bath in time.
She responded and off to Cold Stone we went. Ohhhh, it tasted mighty fine. I'm hoping this satisfies that craving for quite some time, but I am afraid it may just reinforce that craving possibly making it stronger.
I'm unmotivated and weak at the moment. Not a good combination for fighting off sinful urges.
Yeah, that feeling is back. Hard core. Since I rediscovered food, I now get that craving for a sweet snack following any meal. Its a sweetness and a craving that is only solved with indulging it.
So tonight, after an edgy day at work, I found myself abandoning my after work walk (which would have been a helpful stress reliever). Dinner was rather healthy and even included a salad and veggies. After dinner, that familiar craving appeared. I thought about running through the McDonald's drive through for yet another McFlurry, but instead I texted a friend inquiring about a Cold Stone run.
She didn't answer for some time, and I started blogging in attempts to thwart the calls of the ice cream. I figured it was a sign that I shouldn't give in to that craving. And to help thwart that effort even more, I considered taking a bath so that if/when she responded, I would be in my jammies and not in the mood to go.
I didn't take that bath in time.
She responded and off to Cold Stone we went. Ohhhh, it tasted mighty fine. I'm hoping this satisfies that craving for quite some time, but I am afraid it may just reinforce that craving possibly making it stronger.
I'm unmotivated and weak at the moment. Not a good combination for fighting off sinful urges.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Rediscovering The Good Stuff
A bad thing has happened. I have rediscovered food. It is so good! But really so bad..... Several restaurant meals out this week including an impromptu trip through the McDonald's drive through to get myself a McFlurry. I wanted so badly to go back the next night for another McFlurry, but did resist that urge. Fries, Ice cream, Burgers, you name it.
Plus I have stopped recording my activity each day, and lately I have uttered that all too familiar phrase, "I will start tomorrow". Allowing myself "days off" has now turned into weeks off. And I am struggling to find that ever elusive "tomorrow".
Its hard. Its oh so hard.
Still, I'm holding my own as far as my weight goes. Still below my magic number. Also, I am doing fair at keeping up with decent activity levels. And for all the horrible choices I made, I also made decent ones (like salad instead of fries, and the strength to NOT return to McDonald's).
Not sure where to go from here. I guess I have to go back to basics and start with a little tiny goal.
So, tomorrow, I will record my food and exercise (on my IPhone app). Yes, tomorrow.
Plus I have stopped recording my activity each day, and lately I have uttered that all too familiar phrase, "I will start tomorrow". Allowing myself "days off" has now turned into weeks off. And I am struggling to find that ever elusive "tomorrow".
Its hard. Its oh so hard.
Still, I'm holding my own as far as my weight goes. Still below my magic number. Also, I am doing fair at keeping up with decent activity levels. And for all the horrible choices I made, I also made decent ones (like salad instead of fries, and the strength to NOT return to McDonald's).
Not sure where to go from here. I guess I have to go back to basics and start with a little tiny goal.
So, tomorrow, I will record my food and exercise (on my IPhone app). Yes, tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Ringing in the New Year......
The New Year started off with a bang. For most people, they make those resolutions to start eating healthier, and, for the most part, the are able to keep that resolution for a week or so. Well, I didn't make a resolution, but just wanted to keep on this journey that I started last June. That being said, my New Year has been anything but successful.
December 31st was a blast! Lots of good food and lots of good drinks. Also lots of calories, I am sure, but it was very worth it and there are no regrets there at all. I took January 1st off. Off from exercising; off from documenting my food intake. Just off. January 2nd I worked a double where I found myself raiding the bingo box (though only 2 pieces of candy this time), but then I overindulged in the chocolate/peanut trail mix someone brought to share. Needless to say, no exercise that day.
Yesterday I have a hankering for pizza. So I got one. Oh boy, was I excited to eat that! It was so delicious. In and of itself, that wasn't bad, and my day would have been successful. Then I had a serious overindulgent of ice cream. Huge bowl. HUGE bowl. I stayed uncomfortably stuffed for hours.
Even after all of those mini-binges, it is way better than I used to do pre-June. My "bad days" are not nearly as bad as what I used to do and they are pretty few and far between. Pre June that was just a normal day. So what used to be normal for me is now my new marker for "bad". Improvement.
Today, January 4th, is going to be a good day. A day of self control and healthy choices.
Happy New Year!
December 31st was a blast! Lots of good food and lots of good drinks. Also lots of calories, I am sure, but it was very worth it and there are no regrets there at all. I took January 1st off. Off from exercising; off from documenting my food intake. Just off. January 2nd I worked a double where I found myself raiding the bingo box (though only 2 pieces of candy this time), but then I overindulged in the chocolate/peanut trail mix someone brought to share. Needless to say, no exercise that day.
Yesterday I have a hankering for pizza. So I got one. Oh boy, was I excited to eat that! It was so delicious. In and of itself, that wasn't bad, and my day would have been successful. Then I had a serious overindulgent of ice cream. Huge bowl. HUGE bowl. I stayed uncomfortably stuffed for hours.
Even after all of those mini-binges, it is way better than I used to do pre-June. My "bad days" are not nearly as bad as what I used to do and they are pretty few and far between. Pre June that was just a normal day. So what used to be normal for me is now my new marker for "bad". Improvement.
Today, January 4th, is going to be a good day. A day of self control and healthy choices.
Happy New Year!
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