Amazing how in less than 2 weeks, I feel so different. I can now stand up from a sitting position without pain. My hips and knees are once again my friends. Not sure if it is a direct result of a poor diet, but let me tell you, my hips and knees were horribly painful for he past few weeks, maybe even months. I'm also not sure when they began to feel better. All I do know is that now that I am eating more fruits, veggies, and whole grains, my body is not nearly as achy.
I'm down 3 pounds. Three glorious pounds! Only 3 more to go before I am allowed ice cream again! I, once again, got my will power back in check. At least for now. This last fall from grace is proof that I am never safe and old habits can sneak their way back into my life at the drop of a hat.
The key for me is to not obsess over numbers. I've said it before, but I think what happened this last time was one of the things that was supposed to help me. Myfitnesspal. See what happens for me is that I get too focused on the numbers and when I feel like a failure, I begin to sabotage. Myfitnesspal is pretty much calorie based, and that is just fine and dandy. However, food is so much more than calories. Sometimes, nutrient rich foods are a little higher in calories than say those horribly bad for you prepared meals.
Instead of focusing on numbers, I need to just focus on healthy foods. Myfitnesspal has its place, and I may still refer to it from time to time, but its not going to be my Bible or even my main tool. Good food, exercise, and a positive attitude will be far more helpful!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Back on Track...Maybe
One week ago today, I was sitting in a Walgreen's parking lot scarfing down a sinful Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. Funny how things can change in just one week. Just one week.
Today I decided to face the reality of my food party from the last few months. I'm down one pound from where I was about a week ago. Its only one pound, but its a start. Its still one pound.
I saw myself in the mirror this morning. I'm wearing the same pants I wore a year ago when I ventured on this journey and took those horrific pictures way back when. I'm beginning to look like that again.
But maybe I have caught myself before its too late.
Its never really too late. But I think I caught myself before I have to start completely over again. Hopefully. Its been two days. Two good days! And that one pound gone that I discovered this morning was just enough incentive to keep going.
If only, you could see the immediate effects of resisting donuts, chocolate, pizza, and all the other bad-for-you food. Its long term, and for those of us who thrive on instant gratification, its a hard concept to fathom. But one I have conquered before, and one I will continue to conquer yet again.
Now that summer is upon us, fresh fruits and veggies are more available. That will be easier. Getting out and about will be easier with roller blades, hikes, and whatever else comes my way.
Yes, I am back on track, baby!
Today I decided to face the reality of my food party from the last few months. I'm down one pound from where I was about a week ago. Its only one pound, but its a start. Its still one pound.
I saw myself in the mirror this morning. I'm wearing the same pants I wore a year ago when I ventured on this journey and took those horrific pictures way back when. I'm beginning to look like that again.
But maybe I have caught myself before its too late.
Its never really too late. But I think I caught myself before I have to start completely over again. Hopefully. Its been two days. Two good days! And that one pound gone that I discovered this morning was just enough incentive to keep going.
If only, you could see the immediate effects of resisting donuts, chocolate, pizza, and all the other bad-for-you food. Its long term, and for those of us who thrive on instant gratification, its a hard concept to fathom. But one I have conquered before, and one I will continue to conquer yet again.
Now that summer is upon us, fresh fruits and veggies are more available. That will be easier. Getting out and about will be easier with roller blades, hikes, and whatever else comes my way.
Yes, I am back on track, baby!
Going to Extremes
To help aid in this whole dumb weight loss journey yet again, I have decided that I am not allowing myself ice cream. It is certainly my biggest vice.
"They" say you shouldn't reward yourself with food when you are on a diet, but I have to. Ice cream will be my reward. When I get back under 140, I will allow an ice cream dessert. Its what I gotta do. No more ice cream in my house (not even the single serving containers that I was able to manage without overdoing it). It can once again come into my house when I am below 140. And it will only make an appearance when and IF I can eat it without getting out of control with it. Ice cream may be something I simply can't have in my freezer. Its like an alcoholic with a bottle of booze in the cupboard. One drink, and its all down hill.
Anyway, no ice cream for me. It will be hard, but maybe that will be enough motivation to get my ass in gear and start losing it.....again.
"They" say you shouldn't reward yourself with food when you are on a diet, but I have to. Ice cream will be my reward. When I get back under 140, I will allow an ice cream dessert. Its what I gotta do. No more ice cream in my house (not even the single serving containers that I was able to manage without overdoing it). It can once again come into my house when I am below 140. And it will only make an appearance when and IF I can eat it without getting out of control with it. Ice cream may be something I simply can't have in my freezer. Its like an alcoholic with a bottle of booze in the cupboard. One drink, and its all down hill.
Anyway, no ice cream for me. It will be hard, but maybe that will be enough motivation to get my ass in gear and start losing it.....again.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
No Excuses
Today was my day of "no excuses". Yeah, I had me one of them last week too, only it didn't work out so well. There is always a good excuse: Too cold, too windy, too hot, I have to work, I have a day off, I have been doing good, I have been doing bad, I owe it to myself, I have to punish myself, its a special day, I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel anxious.......you get the point. There is always an excuse.
After my binge day yesterday, something had to give. Just for shits and giggles, I am going to list all the food I ate yesterday. Its a lot:
Cereal
apple
pudding
2 cookies
sliver of coffee cake
(this was all before noon)
Then:
granola bar
frozen fruit bar
ice cream
salad
turkey burger
baked beans
fruit cocktail
then I finished with a giant bowl of cereal.
That is a lot of food, but most of it was kinda healthy. I had to balance out the midnight run to Taco John's the night before and the buffet two days before that.
I visited a friend of mine last night. One I hadn't seen in quite some time. Certainly when I last saw her, I was about 10-15 pounds lighter. Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I didn't want to go. Didn't want to face her looking like I do. But I went.
Since the last time I saw her, she underwent a transformation of her own. Looking fit and in shape, she unknowingly brought me inspiration I so needed. First, I focused on how angry I was with myself for allowing me to get this out of control. During our visit, I schemed to drive through the Culver's drive through on my way home and get me a concrete mixer and maybe some fries.
But I didn't.
I don't know how my car kept rolling past Culver's, but it did. (I did indulge in cereal upon my return home, but I guess that is better than Culver's.) Images of how great my friend looked popped in to my head and I just kept driving all the while telling myself that I will stop.....not tomorrow....but now. I have to. Again, I am 10 pounds heavier than I was just a few months ago, but I am STILL 12 pounds down where I was about one year ago so I'm focusing on that.
I can do this.
So when I awoke this morning, I told myself no matter what happened, I was going to have a good day. No excuses. Within just moments of waking, I was tested right off the bat. Another friend texted me and invited me out to Cold Stone later this afternoon. Ooooh, so tempting. How can I turn down ice cream?!? But I did. I texted her back that I couldn't go. That was hard.
Later, I turned down a lunch invite from my mom choosing instead to go roller blading. Though it was only a 15 minute roller blade due to construction on the trail, I did go. Not only that, I took the dogs for a nice hour long hike. Plus I went to the grocery store and got me some good food to eat.
Yes, so far its been a good day. Its far from over, but I really want this. I don't want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable next time I am invited to see a friend.
No more excuses.
After my binge day yesterday, something had to give. Just for shits and giggles, I am going to list all the food I ate yesterday. Its a lot:
Cereal
apple
pudding
2 cookies
sliver of coffee cake
(this was all before noon)
Then:
granola bar
frozen fruit bar
ice cream
salad
turkey burger
baked beans
fruit cocktail
then I finished with a giant bowl of cereal.
That is a lot of food, but most of it was kinda healthy. I had to balance out the midnight run to Taco John's the night before and the buffet two days before that.
I visited a friend of mine last night. One I hadn't seen in quite some time. Certainly when I last saw her, I was about 10-15 pounds lighter. Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I didn't want to go. Didn't want to face her looking like I do. But I went.
Since the last time I saw her, she underwent a transformation of her own. Looking fit and in shape, she unknowingly brought me inspiration I so needed. First, I focused on how angry I was with myself for allowing me to get this out of control. During our visit, I schemed to drive through the Culver's drive through on my way home and get me a concrete mixer and maybe some fries.
But I didn't.
I don't know how my car kept rolling past Culver's, but it did. (I did indulge in cereal upon my return home, but I guess that is better than Culver's.) Images of how great my friend looked popped in to my head and I just kept driving all the while telling myself that I will stop.....not tomorrow....but now. I have to. Again, I am 10 pounds heavier than I was just a few months ago, but I am STILL 12 pounds down where I was about one year ago so I'm focusing on that.
I can do this.
So when I awoke this morning, I told myself no matter what happened, I was going to have a good day. No excuses. Within just moments of waking, I was tested right off the bat. Another friend texted me and invited me out to Cold Stone later this afternoon. Ooooh, so tempting. How can I turn down ice cream?!? But I did. I texted her back that I couldn't go. That was hard.
Later, I turned down a lunch invite from my mom choosing instead to go roller blading. Though it was only a 15 minute roller blade due to construction on the trail, I did go. Not only that, I took the dogs for a nice hour long hike. Plus I went to the grocery store and got me some good food to eat.
Yes, so far its been a good day. Its far from over, but I really want this. I don't want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable next time I am invited to see a friend.
No more excuses.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Heed the Clicky Hip
I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps I should start with the medium Pizza Hut pizza plus cinna sticks that I devoured almost in an entire sitting. Or Perhaps I should start with the gigantic ice cream cone that I ate in just minutes flat. I'm telling you this ice cream cone was HUGE. Or maybe I should start with the bag of frozen chocolate chips I inhaled. Regardless of where I start, the result is still the same.......I'm doing horribly. And also regardless of where I start, I know I must finish on a much better note.
Not sure how or why things started to spiral out of control into a food frenzy. I'm irritable, crabby, and maybe a little depressed. Not sure if my poor eating causes these uncomfortable moods or if my uncomfortable moods causes my over eating. Likely, a co-occurring relationship and one impacts the other.
Also, I notice changes in my body. I'm sore and achy. My clicky hip has returned. My back aches. It takes longer to poop....... Energy is non existent. Even something as common place as simple socializing sucks whatever energy reserves I had saved up. Leaving enough motivation only for a bath and television.
So that is where I am. Way far from where I want to be. So what gives?
Not sure. Each day I sincerely strive to do better, eat better, feel better. I have even summoned the help and support of a few trusted friends so that we can act as encouragement for one another. Seems like all women struggle on some level with a bizarre relationship with food.
I'm also contemplating doing a "cleanse" diet that claims to detoxify. It encourages no processed foods, no glutton, no sugar, no caffeine. But, then I think that would be a short term fix (it is only a 4-6 week program), and the day I end the cleanse could be binge-o-rama again. So I need something that fits with me. Fits with my lifestyle.
One thing is certain; A grocery store visit is necessary. After almost an entire year of not getting food from the work cafeteria, I have found myself relying way too much on the greasy choices our cafeteria has to offer. Fries, chicken strips, CHERRY COKE!
Tomorrow I intend to weigh myself (Its been far too long. Time to face reality) and also visit the grocery store (Something I have been saying I will do for about a month now). Yes, tomorrow.
Not sure how or why things started to spiral out of control into a food frenzy. I'm irritable, crabby, and maybe a little depressed. Not sure if my poor eating causes these uncomfortable moods or if my uncomfortable moods causes my over eating. Likely, a co-occurring relationship and one impacts the other.
Also, I notice changes in my body. I'm sore and achy. My clicky hip has returned. My back aches. It takes longer to poop....... Energy is non existent. Even something as common place as simple socializing sucks whatever energy reserves I had saved up. Leaving enough motivation only for a bath and television.
So that is where I am. Way far from where I want to be. So what gives?
Not sure. Each day I sincerely strive to do better, eat better, feel better. I have even summoned the help and support of a few trusted friends so that we can act as encouragement for one another. Seems like all women struggle on some level with a bizarre relationship with food.
I'm also contemplating doing a "cleanse" diet that claims to detoxify. It encourages no processed foods, no glutton, no sugar, no caffeine. But, then I think that would be a short term fix (it is only a 4-6 week program), and the day I end the cleanse could be binge-o-rama again. So I need something that fits with me. Fits with my lifestyle.
One thing is certain; A grocery store visit is necessary. After almost an entire year of not getting food from the work cafeteria, I have found myself relying way too much on the greasy choices our cafeteria has to offer. Fries, chicken strips, CHERRY COKE!
Tomorrow I intend to weigh myself (Its been far too long. Time to face reality) and also visit the grocery store (Something I have been saying I will do for about a month now). Yes, tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Eggs for Breakfast
I just ate 2 very large bowls of cereal for breakfast. Its been months since I had 2 bowls of cereal. I'm stuffed. But, at least its better than the breakfast I had yesterday which consisted of cereal PLUS all the remaining Easter candy I had laying around. Robin's Eggs, Peanut butter eggs, marshmallow eggs, Kit Kats, and Milky Ways. Oh, what a breakfast that was!
And, like so many times before, BECAUSE I started out the day on a bad foot, I consciously made it end on a bad note. Though I brought a self prepared (aka 'healthier') lunch to work, I decided to forgo my boring lunch and got instead some exciting chicken strips from the work cafeteria. And because I was having a "bad day", I got myself some crack as well. Good ol' cherry coke. It is slowly sneaking its way back into my life. And because I had a bad day, I might as well just go ahead and have a bad week since I "can't" start my tomorrow on any other day than Monday or Wednesday.....or on a day I go to work.....or on my day off.....or on a day ends in the letters "d.a.y.",
So, again, yesterday I brought my own prepared lunch to work, but chose instead to get some crap from the cafeteria. No cherry coke this time, though. Nope. Instead, I got ice cream as a chaser. It has been almost one entire year since I got ice cream from work......I've opened up a new can of worms.
I must close that can. Today was going to be that day. Except my tummy is protruding with 2 giant bowls of cereal swimming around in there. Seems I need to feel my stomach expanding before I feel satiated.
And, if I had any candy left over, you better believe I would be quickly unwrapping any and all pieces of that chocolaty goodness and devouring it for a breakfast dessert.
And, like so many times before, BECAUSE I started out the day on a bad foot, I consciously made it end on a bad note. Though I brought a self prepared (aka 'healthier') lunch to work, I decided to forgo my boring lunch and got instead some exciting chicken strips from the work cafeteria. And because I was having a "bad day", I got myself some crack as well. Good ol' cherry coke. It is slowly sneaking its way back into my life. And because I had a bad day, I might as well just go ahead and have a bad week since I "can't" start my tomorrow on any other day than Monday or Wednesday.....or on a day I go to work.....or on my day off.....or on a day ends in the letters "d.a.y.",
So, again, yesterday I brought my own prepared lunch to work, but chose instead to get some crap from the cafeteria. No cherry coke this time, though. Nope. Instead, I got ice cream as a chaser. It has been almost one entire year since I got ice cream from work......I've opened up a new can of worms.
I must close that can. Today was going to be that day. Except my tummy is protruding with 2 giant bowls of cereal swimming around in there. Seems I need to feel my stomach expanding before I feel satiated.
And, if I had any candy left over, you better believe I would be quickly unwrapping any and all pieces of that chocolaty goodness and devouring it for a breakfast dessert.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
"Hopping" Along
My second "good" day in a row. My definition of "good" has expanded to include basically no binging. Today was healthy portion sizes, pretty healthy choices all together, and another day where I wasn't preoccupied with food. It was just a day. Then I got done with work and had that fleeting thought of running through the drive through, getting a Big Mac and fries (it is so weird that McDonald's has been calling my name...I have probably ordered food from there less than 5 times in my whole life)! But I didn't. Instead I came home, putzed around with crap I have been meaning to get done, and made myself a turkey burger. A turkey burger is no Big Mac I tell ya, but it filled an empty void.
I need to get grocery shopping. My problem is that I don't know what to get anymore. For over six months I lived on turkey sandwiches and salads. Throw in an occasional turkey burger or burrito and that was my substance. I'm bored with the same ol' same ol'. I need fun new foods that are good for you. That is nearly impossible when my palate is quite narrow to begin with. Good news is that summer is soon approaching which means FRUIT! I love fruits of all kinds! So yummy!
Tomorrow, of course, is Easter which means dinner at mom's and temptations of many kinds of candy. It makes me so anxious....
I need to get grocery shopping. My problem is that I don't know what to get anymore. For over six months I lived on turkey sandwiches and salads. Throw in an occasional turkey burger or burrito and that was my substance. I'm bored with the same ol' same ol'. I need fun new foods that are good for you. That is nearly impossible when my palate is quite narrow to begin with. Good news is that summer is soon approaching which means FRUIT! I love fruits of all kinds! So yummy!
Tomorrow, of course, is Easter which means dinner at mom's and temptations of many kinds of candy. It makes me so anxious....
Friday, April 6, 2012
A Step in the Right Direction
Finally a good day. One that didn't find me preoccupied with food. One that didn't have cravings. I didn't even realize it until mid way through the day when I was talking to a coworker and telling her how "horrible" I have been doing. Then I realized that today was not horrible. In fact, it was pretty decent. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies at my mom's house, which led to me being over by 19 calories today, but that is a huge win considering my binge a thons of the past few weeks.
Today I kept busy all day cleaning. Both at work and at home. I had very little computer and cell phone time. I hiked the dogs after work. All are contributors to a good day today. Also, I set little goals for myself that were unrelated to food. Goal 1.....Do dishes (I have been having a hard time finding motivation to do those little things lately). Goal 2....cut my fingernails (I told you my motivation has been lacking). And Goal 3......organize new materials for work which I have here at home. All 3 goals accomplished!
Its been kind of a manic day today which has been exhilarating. Not sure where this burst of energy came today, but I was on fire. I'm thinking hormones may be a factor today, but its TMI to go into detail here.
At any rate, it was a decent day and it feels good!
Today I kept busy all day cleaning. Both at work and at home. I had very little computer and cell phone time. I hiked the dogs after work. All are contributors to a good day today. Also, I set little goals for myself that were unrelated to food. Goal 1.....Do dishes (I have been having a hard time finding motivation to do those little things lately). Goal 2....cut my fingernails (I told you my motivation has been lacking). And Goal 3......organize new materials for work which I have here at home. All 3 goals accomplished!
Its been kind of a manic day today which has been exhilarating. Not sure where this burst of energy came today, but I was on fire. I'm thinking hormones may be a factor today, but its TMI to go into detail here.
At any rate, it was a decent day and it feels good!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
FOOD!
Why is it so hard? I have been failing miserably. Partly due to not keeping track of anything. Not tracking food, not tracking weight. Nothing. I'm finding myself, once again, in the drive through lane at the DQ multiple times a week. Once again stuffing myself into a food coma. Once again becoming oh so preoccupied with FOOD. I think about it, I crave it, I succumb to it. Getting dressed in the morning is a dreaded chore so I stay in my robe into the afternoon hours unless I am forced to put on a pair of jeans before hand.
My biggest accomplishment this week was resisting the urge to drive through Taco John's and getting some potato oles last night after Bible Study. I don't even like fast food so not sure why the desire to go to McDonald's and Taco John's has been so strong lately. So far, I have been able to resist.....
So, what to do about it? I don't know. I wish I did. I'm uttering that familiar refrain "Starting tomorrow" on a daily basis, and tomorrow never comes. Its that same cycle I have entered so many times in the past. Binge today, "start tomorrow".......Binge today, "start tomorrow".....until before I know it, I have been striving for tomorrow for weeks on end.
I just love food so much. It helps me feel better when I am bored, when I am anxious, when I am sad, and it is such a fun celebration when I am happy! I just love FOOD!
This was just a whiny post. I'm not making any promises, because I don't know that I am "ready" yet. Empty promises produce more feelings of inadequacy and guilt so for now, I am just floating along.
Gonna go make lunch now. FOOD!
My biggest accomplishment this week was resisting the urge to drive through Taco John's and getting some potato oles last night after Bible Study. I don't even like fast food so not sure why the desire to go to McDonald's and Taco John's has been so strong lately. So far, I have been able to resist.....
So, what to do about it? I don't know. I wish I did. I'm uttering that familiar refrain "Starting tomorrow" on a daily basis, and tomorrow never comes. Its that same cycle I have entered so many times in the past. Binge today, "start tomorrow".......Binge today, "start tomorrow".....until before I know it, I have been striving for tomorrow for weeks on end.
I just love food so much. It helps me feel better when I am bored, when I am anxious, when I am sad, and it is such a fun celebration when I am happy! I just love FOOD!
This was just a whiny post. I'm not making any promises, because I don't know that I am "ready" yet. Empty promises produce more feelings of inadequacy and guilt so for now, I am just floating along.
Gonna go make lunch now. FOOD!
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