Keeping it Real

After Thanksgiving, my Birthday, and My annual Elf Extravaganza, this week was not a good week as far as diets go.  Needless to say, my scale proved that fact to me today, but I am really OK with it.  I figure, there is only one way to go from here, and that is down (on the scale).  I just have to resume my good eating habits, resume my exercise routine (which has actually been quite good), and the numbers will hopefully reflect that. 

That being said, this past week was totally worth any gained pounds!  I had a great Birthday with great food and ice cream.  I ate more than usual, but didn't go over board in an all out binge so that, in and of itself, is a success. 

And, today, instead of saying to myself that "everything is ruined" or "I'm a complete failure", I am reframing my thinking and looking at it as a new challenge, a new goal, a new motivation.

I wasn't even going to weigh myself today because I knew I wouldn't be happy, but then thought I had better weigh myself.  Doing so would help keep it real.  I can't avoid what is, and by not weighing myself would not make the extra pounds disappear.  So I am keeping it real, and, more than that, I am keeping it positive.  This is just another trek on the journey.

Numbers No More

My last "set back" was the closest I have ever been to throwing in the towel.  This is hard work!  And frankly, a bit boring if I must confess.  Sometimes I get into that "all or nothing" thinking, and last week (actually only a day or two), it was "nothing."  Or maybe it was "all".  Either way, I was going to throw it all away just because of a few gained pounds and a few extra treats. 

But I caught myself.

And I didn't give up.  In fact, I even caught the errors in my thinking and was able to remind myself of my months of dedication, my many pounds lost, and most importantly, the healthy lifestyle I have adopted. 

So I stepped it up a notch.

I revisited my daily blog entries where I documented my food intake (I'm probably going to go back to just weekly ones now though).  I made sure I got in exercise and upped the ante by taking brisk walks on my lunch break at work, if even for a measly 20 minutes.  I added vegetables back into my diet.  And I stuck to it.

It paid off!  Back down to 137 on this WWD which is awesome.  However, I have come to realize that I am getting too obsessed with numbers again.  I did this once before and completely lost it when I couldn't reach a magical number.  Its not about the number.  Its about how the pants fit, how I feel, and giving my body the nutrients it needs. 

From here on out, I am not going to document my weight each and every WWD.  Instead, I am going to reflect on the week I had.  Though I am going to continue to weigh myself each Wednesday, I am going to do it reminding myself that several factors can account for weight gain/weight loss.  Including muscle mass, water, stool, and  yes, calories consumed. 

By the way, I have now exercised 16 days out of the last 17!  Even going for a wake-n-walk this morning!  Feels gooooooood.

Slowly Coming Back

Another day I thought I'd do a daily blog update.  One, I am bored.  Two, I want to munch.  Three, it holds me accountable.  Four, why not? 

It was a decent day today.  After work, after dinner, seems to be my toughest time.  Like I have to fill my tummy as full as it will go.  Maybe I am unconsciously hoarding food because I know I won't eat anymore until morning.  Maybe I am making up for whatever I didn't eat during the day.  Maybe I am just bored.  Most likely a combination of all 3. 

Food:
cereal
apple
bean and rice burrito (with greek yogurt as sour cream...brilliant tip!)
pineapple
1 square of dove chocolate
salad
shrimp
pork n beans
2 clementines (one was on my salad)
grapes ( a lot, but not as much as nights prior)
frozen yogurt

OK.  So I got more veggies in today, but still seems like a lot of food. 
I did go out for a 40 minute hike after work which felt amazing.  So far this month, I have made time to exercise 15 out of 20 days which is quite amazing.  A few days were only 20 or 30 minutes, but at least I got there and did a little something. 

Tomorrow I am doubling so likely no exercise tomorrow, BUT, my lunches are both packed with decent food, fruits, and veggies.

A Better Day

After my horrible day yesterday, I was bound and determined to make this day a better day.  And a better day it was.  My Danger Zone hours are still difficult, and tonight I over munched on grapes.  But overall, it was a good day.  For shits and giggles I am going to list all my food, but I don't plan on listing it everyday.  For now, though, I want to get back to being held accountable on this here blog since it has been, and still is, my most valuable tool.

Food:
cereal with strawberries
apple
bean and rice burrito
pineapples
1 cookie
1 Mandarin orange (soooo delish!)
salad
chicken breast
pork n beans
pudding
grapes and grapes and grapes.

Its kind of a lot of food, but basically all nutritious.
Plus I walked on my lunch break at work today.  Only 20 minutes, but at least it was something. 
Here is to better days ahead.

One Sinister Bite.....

Bad Day.  Very. Bad. Day.  The good news:  Those damn potato chips are now gone.  The bad news:  I ate them all.  In fact, I ate an entire bag of chips in less than 24 hours.  I feel sick, gross, guilty, and disappointed.  On top of those chips is a giant Bridgeman's Ice Cream Sundae.  Not to mention everything else I ate today. 
Let's document it all:

cereal with strawberries on top
grapes
egg and cheese on toast (with potato chips)
grapes
pudding
ice cream sundae
1/2 (or more) bag of chips
grapes

My stomach feels like it has a giant brick stuffed inside.  My comfortable fitting pants were feeling a bit tight today.  See any veggies on that list?  Nope.  I didn't have any........ 

I did walk for 50 minutes today so that is at least something. 

I even went grocery shopping today in hopes of getting healthy munchies in my house.  And I consciously made healthy choices even when pulled to buy bad-for-me stuff.

So that was my day.  Time to stop.  Its been a 3 day binge fest and it needs to stop here.  It hasn't only been bad-for-me eating; its been binging.  Both things need to stop, and I am confident that tomorow I will truly be back on track. 

It feels like starting over from step one.   Like I had cleansed my body of the bad stuff, and now that I opened those flood gates, I have to cleanse all over again.  Detoxify.

This really is a struggle each and every day.  Some days are easier than others, but each day there are temptations that could so easily end in a downward spiral back to a bing-o-rama.  I envy those who can live life without having food be their main preoccupation.  I envy those who don't have to worry about how one sinister bite of sweetness ultimately ends in uncontrollable eating.  I envy those who really can have a bag of potato chips in their cupboard without eating the entire thing in one sitting.  I envy those who so effortlessly make time for exercise......and enjoy it. 

I really thought my journey would get easier as time went on, but it hasn't.  Its equally difficult.  However, it seems that these "failures" are harder felt because it really feels like I have undone nearly 6 months of hard work in 3 measly days.  Yes, yes, I know that is not entirely true, but that is what it feels like.

For really real, tomorrow is a new day.  I will pick up where I left off and continue on this journey.

Voices

Well...........seems as though I am struggling a bit.  Feeling just a little too discouraged and the quiet voice telling myself that I have done fabulous by losing over 20 pounds is not shouting loud enough.  Instead the voice telling me to eat and eat is growing louder everyday. 

It started with my "day off" yesterday.  That old familiar refrain of "I'll start tomorrow" has started to pop into my head.  Fleeting as it may be, it is there. 

Today started out decently.  Quite well in fact.  Despite a chilly Fall day, I got myself out for 2 separate walks today totalling 100 minutes in length.  Today could have been a day that I got ahead of myself, but instead I used those walks as an excuse.  An excuse to eat.  My Danger Zone hours are in full force.  Tempting me o much that tonight I delved into that unopened bag of potato chips I had way up high in my cupboard for months.  Literally, months. 

Now, cracking open that bag of chips isn't horrible in and of itself.  Its the 3 large bowls I uncontrollably ate.  One right after the other. 

So, discouraged and now disappointed in myself.  But I am not giving up yet.  I have come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away now. 

Tomorrow I will venture to the grocery store.  Stock up on veggies and fruit and prepare for work this weekend.  Time to get back up on that horse.  Starting tomorrow.  No, starting NOW.

A Day of Rest

I am so frustrated right now!  Another Wednesday Weigh Day, and another disappointment.  This past week, I have done quite well.  Walking on my lunch breaks at work (in addition to hikes after work), several temptations resisted, healthier choices made when faced with unhealthy options.  Yeah, I really thought I had a decent week.  Maybe not a week to lose any weight, but certainly not a week to gain weight. 

Yup, another fucking 2 pounds gained!  I don't get it.  Back up to 139.

Then again, maybe I have blinders on.  Maybe I need to revisit my daily blog entries (which I really don't want to do). 

I guess I HAVE been over eating on some things.  Grapes for one.  Binging on grapes is not the worst thing in the world, but it is the habit of non stop eating that is bad.  I have noticed that my "Danger Zone" hours have crept back in, and I find myself scrounging for food.  Be it grapes or peanut antioxidant mix, yes, I admit, I have been a bit out of control. 

It is still discouraging because in spite of that, I really have remained strong.  Its been 6 whole months of my lifestyle change and I have stuck with it.

However, today I am taking a day off.  A day of rest.  No exercise to worry about.  No food obsessions.  Just a carefree day.  I am meeting up with a friend later for lunch, and I am looking forward to eating whatever the hell I want.  Probably even with a decadent dessert.

 So there, ya dumb scale!

Climbing the Ladder, But Not in a Good Way....

Argle.  This Wednesday Weigh Day post is delayed by two days. In part because I had a busy week, but also in part because I took a few steps back and didn't really want to put it all in words.

Actually, I did REALLY well with my eating despite one of the most stressful weeks of my entire life.  My food choices were awesome, and I stayed strong even though I wanted to find solace and comfort with the one thing that could make me feel better, if only temporarily.....food.  But I didn't.  I really didn't.

During that time, I had one, only one, not so great dinner which really wasn't even all that bad.  French toast with sausage.  Not horrible.  In the meantime, I resisted all desire to order a greasy burger at Culver's while picking up my mom a fish sandwich.  Instead, I went through the Wendy's drive through and ordered myself a salad.  I resisted the desire for a nummy chocolate malt from Bridgeman's (yes, again).  Instead, I put just three spoonfuls of my mom's malt in a small glass for myself. Yes, I stayed strong.

Then I weighed myself and was rather disappointed to learn I gained 2 pounds.  Back up to 137 and no longer at my goal weight.  Still, better than I was just months ago. 

So, I waited just a few days to see if perhaps that was a fluke day, and I really didn't weigh 2 pounds heavier.  But, no, I reweighed today, and yes, I am indeed 2 pounds heavier.

Disappointed, yes, but self sabotaging, no.  Yesterday I did have a moment of "I'll eat this huge cookie given to me by a coworker because I had a bad weigh-in".  I resisted it for just about an hour, but then devoured that delicious orb in no time flat.

I know many different factors can account for 2 pounds so I am not obsessing about it.....much.  My activity level has decreased quite a bit so I just need to remember to keep moving and keep eating healthy. 

Here is to a better weigh-in next week!

Achievement

Wednesday Weigh Day was one day delayed since I forgot yesterday morning.  Overall its been a decent week, food wise.  Not a decent week personally.  My mom ended up in the hospital so most of my spare time has been spent there instead of hiking, which is fine.  I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Halloween has come and gone.  It was a success for the first time in years!  Success being measured in how much (or rather how little) candy I ate.  I had a bazillion bags and boxes of goodies.  In my house.  Days before Halloween arrived.  That has been a recipe for disaster in years past as I would chow down bags and bags of candy before Halloween arrived, having to sometimes go out and buy more candy for the big day.  Not this year.  This year I was satisfied with just one Peanut Butter Cup and only 3 bags of fruit snacks (over the course of about 3 days).  I also consumed one of those tiny, individually wrapped  squares of a Milky Way while at work.  But that is it.  All other candy went into the bags of cute little witches, ghosts, and goblins.  Not one piece of candy did I eat on Halloween night.  Sacrilegious, I know.

Though exercising has been limited, my food has been incredibly good.   Even bringing my own lunches/dinner to the hospital when I visit with my mom.  Also of pride, I brought my mom a Bridgeman's Chocolate Malt.  I didn't get one for myself, but instead put about 4 spoonfuls of delicious malt into a Dixie Cup and had a little taste.  It satisfied me more than I ever thought possible.  I also had a Kit Kat bar while at the hospital. 

So, I wasn't sure what I would find when I hopped on the scale this morning.  GUESS WHAT???  I made my GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Achieved!!!  I am at 135 now.  I'm so happy, so proud, and amazed at what I was able to accomplish once I set my mind to it. 

Yes, I am patting myself on the back today :)