Ups and Downs

What a roller coaster this past 11 months have been.  Yes, it has been an 11 month long journey already.  There have been definite high points and definite low points both with my self control and with my weight.  I have discovered what works best for me (just overall healthy eating) and what doesn't (counting  calories or keeping track of numbers on a scale).  I have realized times when I gravitate toward poor choices (anxiety, loneliness, boredom).

Though my weight has yo-yo'd a bit, right now, today, I am 17 pounds lighter than I was just one year ago.  That, in itself, is success.  Seventeen pounds!  Seventeen pounds.  I forget where I started sometimes, and today I reminded myself where I was one year ago and I have come a long way baby.  Yes, there have been horrible days, horrible weeks, and even horrible months.  Getting off track is really easy to do, and very discouraging once it happens, making it that much more difficult to get back on track. 

Today I am doing well.  After having a week or more with buffet and Dairy Queen visits, TODAY I am doing well.  I braved the scale this morning and about fell over when I found I had lost 3 pounds.  That means I am only 2 pounds away from allowing ice cream again.  Though I have cheated at that rule more than once.

Summer is approaching which will make exercise more enjoyable and yummy fruits and veggies more available.  I can do this.  I AM doing this. 

A Closer Examination

This is what happens......I do great for weeks; I avoid all those big temptations like dairy queen midnight calls, I bring my own food for work (even on doubles), I get a bit excited for Wednesday Weigh Day (which has been on various days of the week.....this week was today).  The big day arrives, I step on the scale.....and I get disappointed.  The scale does not move, and in fact, it actually went up one pound which is disheartening.  Immediately I get pissed!  I want to self sabotage.  Like, I feel myself having those thoughts of, "fuck it!  I'll just go eat 3 bowls of cereal now".  Or "Fine, today I'll go to the Dairy Queen". 

But then I stop those thoughts; I put on my game face; and I look at the situation with the motivation of wanting to succeed super badly. 

And I take a close look on what REALLY went on during the past week:

A piece of chocolate (or two) stolen from work....every day.....
A taffy extravaganza where I ate probably about 10 or 12 pieces of taffy (and i don't even LIKE taffy)
A smallish cream cheese spice bar
A marshmallow feast where I succumbed to frozen marshmallows in lieu of running to the Dairy Queen in a fit of ice cream cravings.  Though I chalk THIS one up to success cuz it could have been way worse.
A small bowl of cereal after work one night.

So maybe, just maybe, I haven't been doing as fabulously as I had convinced myself I was doing.  Still, I want to be able to allow a little piece of chocolate or some taffy or whatever.  Really, other than the taffy, I ate my treats in a very CONTROLLED manner and, that is a success in and of itself.

I want more, though.  And I am not throwing in the towel just yet. After all, there is always next week.